Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have two children, a little over two years apart in age, and have found them to be SO different when it comes to getting good behavior from them.
The younger one, age two, is a little mimic. All I have to do is show her what to do and she copies me. This is how we get her to use a napkin at a restaurant, whisper in church, get teeth brushed before bed, etc. She even makes her bed with me and helps me load the dishwasher (non-pointy and non-breakable things).
The four-year-old is another story. At age two he would race ahead of me and the stroller to the Discoveries Library in the mall. He still does this. I’ve given up trying to stop him. Fortunately, we’re regulars so the library staff know that his grown-up is not far behind.
Not The Same
Dear N.T.S.,
As you have noticed, children come in different packages. Age and gender can play into the differences you described – two’s love to copy others, fours dash through any open space; girls tend to shadow their mothers when they’re young more than boys do and boys, well, boys tend to dash through any open space.
Behavior management can align with the differences in your children.
Positive Reinforcement
It’s easy to see that your relationship with the two-year-old is working with you as a model of what to do. She is pleased to be copying you and you are pleased to be copied. Modeling works well as a behavior management strategy since it is self-reinforcing.
Keep setting a good example, and welcoming her imitations – for how to choose nutritious foods when you’re grocery shopping, for cleaning up after yourselves around the house, for treating others with kindness, and in general, for being a good person. For now, she is rewarded by enjoying being your Mini Me. Your daughter will soon learn that doing the right thing feels good in and of itself.
Your four-year-old might need a tangible reward for following a verbal direction that goes against his nature. Have a brief discussion with him about rules at the mall – “running” is actually included on the list of unsafe activities in the mall’s Code of Conduct. You can show him the word “running” on the website. Explain that for the mall to be a safe place, everyone has to follow the rules. (When he’s five-years-old it’ll be easier for him to accept the concept of rules benefitting the common good.)
“No running” may be a hard rule to follow, especially if he knows exactly where the library is, so you’ll help him remember the rule with a promise. If he holds onto the stroller as you walk together, he’ll get to take 4 books home. (You were probably going to take books home anyway, so stress that he gets to pick out any 4 that he wants because it’s hard to follow the no running rule.) Remind him of this deal as you get ready to leave home. Remind him when you park the car at the mall. Have him repeat the deal as you walk to the building. Remind him once more as the challenge of an open space looms.
He may continue to need help with seeing a bigger picture for why he needs to behave a certain way. A short-term positive reinforcement, and several well-timed prompts, will help him move toward choosing a behavior that may be difficult but necessary for his own good as well as the good of others.
And be sure to give him plenty of opportunities to run when it is perfectly safe to do so.
Self-care
You’ve got an easy pattern going for getting your two-year-old to take care of her own body. Besides brushing her teeth when you brush yours she can brush her hair, wash her face, and get the hang of picking out the next day’s outfit alongside you.
As she turns three, anticipate that she may need your good example of unwinding to get to sleep at a healthy bedtime. You already set a good example of whispering to her in church. Bedtime is also a quiet time. Maybe you include reenjoying your favorite moments of the day with each other as she settles into bed. Declarations of love are nice to end the day with, too. It’s good self-care practice to review nice thoughts about yourself and your day as you drift off to sleep. These habits, instilled early, can stay with her as the years go by.
One strategy that might work well with your other child is to use recorded music, or a timer, to accompany his getting ready for bed routine. Estimate how long it takes him to get ready. Help him choose an order that makes sense, for example: brush his teeth, wash his face, use the toilet, wash his hands, put on pajamas, and pick a book. Once you’ve reviewed the order with him, start the music or the timer and let that be his external reminder that he’s carrying out the nightly routine from start to finish. (As with the No Running behavior, remind and coach him through to get the new habit established.) The reward at the end could be having a parent read him the book he chose.
As with other behaviors that ultimately benefit him, and incidentally the people who love him, he will eventually understand that his well-being depends in part on things that he does to take care of himself.
Every child is different. Observations about their differences can help you choose a fitting approach to behavior management.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.
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