Dear Dr. Debbie,
We’ve made the decision to stick with one child for our family. He’s a three-year-old delight. His teacher says so, too. My concern is how to keep him from becoming the kind of child no one likes in elementary school because he doesn’t know how to consider other people’s interests, needs, and feelings. I remember there were children I knew in elementary school who were not much fun to be with. Not exactly mean, but looking back now and I can see that they were self-absorbed and lacking in social skills. They only got invited to birthday parties when the birthday child’s mom insisted that the whole class be invited. (My mom was one of those.)
Mother Of Only One
Dear MOOO,
It’s great to hear that the important grown-ups in his life agree that your son is a delight. Now let’s make sure his playmates think so, too.
Attention, Please
An only child runs the risk of assuming that his parents are always ready to tend to his needs. “Look at me!” “I gotta tell you something!” and “See what I made!” get a quick response from the parents of one and only one. This is a lovely situation to have in the early years, building an attachment bond to parents which helps to form the ability to trust other people, and to be trustworthy, as life goes on. If another baby, or two, or more, were to come along, it’s easy to see where “Not right now, honey” takes the place of rapt, undivided attention. Siblings have to adjust to not always being the center of attention, which is important for success in later relationships.
Now is the time to shift your attention toward helping your little one gain some independence. Help him get started with such tasks as dressing and cleaning himself then guide him toward independent completion – even if he doesn’t do as good a job as you might.
You can give him assurance that you will look and listen, “in just a minute” by promising to do so and following through on your promise. Let’s say you’re on a phone call that can’t be interrupted. Use a hand signal – such as putting up your pointer finger to indicate “one minute” – then delivering on your promise by wrapping up the phone conversation quickly.
The time period can be lengthened as your son learns to trust that, indeed, your attention will return to him at the promised time. Naturally, this will coincide with his growing ability to entertain himself. You can work with him on this by setting up picture books, blocks, art supplies, and objects for pretend play (dolls, animals, cars, trucks, costumes, etc.) that he can get to and use on his own.
Taking Turns, Sharing Spaces
If you had siblings when you were growing up you doubtless experienced times when you were competing for objects and space – fighting for the controller and the best seat on the couch, for example. Can you provide such experiences for your son?
This could be achieved with frequent playdates with classmates. Maybe there are young cousins in the family who could create enough natural competition to prevent your son from believing that his needs are the only ones that exist.
If you haven’t gotten one yet, ask for a class contact list so you can arrange some playdates with the children your son talks about from school. If it’s against school policy to provide this, ask if you could start a contact list among the parents who are interested in getting their children together outside of school. You would be doing everyone in the class a favor, and countless people into the future, by making sure that every child on the list gets invitations.
Sharing is something that comes more easily to some children but can be modeled and guided for all children so that our world is a kinder place for all. Your son is at the perfect age to learn how to share, but this can only happen if he spends a lot of time with other children.
Conflict Resolution
It is inevitable that two children close in age will encounter conflict with each other when they play. This is a great learning opportunity for them when you label their emotions and promote empathy between them. With such guidance over the next year or two, a pair of regular playmates will be well-equipped to manage their conflicts fairly and swiftly so they can get back to the joy of playing together.
A good preschool program is providing excellent opportunities for children to learn how to get along with each other as they play together. There are consistent suggestions, soon picked up on by the children, as to what to do in a conflict. Read here for a list of strategies to choose from when two children are fighting over the same toy. Hopefully it brings back memories of how you successfully negotiated conflict with your playmates and siblings when you were younger (and with your spouse currently!). When adults aren’t around, it’s usually the older children who teach these strategies to the younger children. Again, some children come by sharing more easily than others, but at this age, it’s pretty easy to learn how to do it.
Common Interests
In the coming years you may find that your son is ready to take on regularly scheduled activities outside of school. Whether an only child or one of many, it helps all children to share time with others who have common interests. This could be through scouts, sports, the arts, nature, history, engineering, cooking, etc. At these gatherings there is a focus on a shared activity among the group, with members working together toward common goals whether it’s performing a concert, planning for and surviving a strenuous hike, crafting a plaster and shell paper weight, or identifying the lichen on a log. Because they share some similar motivation for being there, they heartily “high five” each other’s individual discoveries and achievements.
The prevention for creating a self-centered individual is to help a child have the skills and experiences that foster positive interactions with others. His attitude and actions toward his playmates will result in him feeling like a contributing member. Just like a well-functioning family, being part of a well-functioning group of friends is its own reward.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Come for some lively music from Ireland at a family concert with Seamus Kennedy on Sunday, March 16 at 2 pm. The concert is included in $8 admission to the museum. Free for CCM members.
