Dear Dr. Debbie,
I overheard our five-year-old telling a couple of classmates that we had vacationed at Disney World. She also claimed that her father is a firefighter. None of this is true. She used some details for these lies from a recent visit with her cousin, so it sounded convincing.
Is this a desperate attempt at impressing friends because she doesn’t feel like her truth is good enough?
Looking For Truth
Dear L.F.T.,
I would say she is indeed trying to look good to her peers, especially if she perceives she’s below a standard that she doesn’t think she can meet. To safeguard peer acceptance, a five-year-old may do and say whatever she thinks will keep her in a good light with the peer group.
Of course, there is a risk that the naked truth may be exposed eventually.
Self Esteem
She is probably misrepresenting herself and her family because she is anxious to be on the same level as the other children, based on what believes is true about them. Her self-worth is dependent on how she thinks she measures up in the eyes of these classmates.
There are many things parents can do to boost a child’s self-esteem. Your daughter has been getting daily feedback about her contributions to the household, her adherence to family rules, her ability to correct her mistakes, her skills in making good decisions, and the validity of her feelings. But by age five, and continuing through childhood, she is tuned in to new standards – the standards of other children her age whose friendship is key to having precious conversation at lunchtime and priceless playmates at recess. The ultimate proof of peer acceptance is how many birthday party invitations one receives. This is an important indicator, to the child, of course, of her worth.
Note, as a parent, you also rely on peers for companionship and for comparing yourself along shared standards. You look for good candidates that stack up well to yourself, hopefully based on truth. Parent peers can enjoy sharing the ups and downs of parenting, helping each other to do their best, and accepting each other’s shortcomings. Friendship is important at every stage of life.
True Peer Standards
Among some five-year-olds, there may be judgement based on superficial qualities such as brands of clothing and backpacks, or which restaurants the families dine at, or even vacation destinations and parents’ employment. It is quite possible that some of what your daughter believes on these matters about her classmates is also untrue, or at least an exaggeration. The desire to “look good” is very strong when one is trying to have friends.
Since truths will eventually come out, children usually learn to discard their untruths once the friendship is secure. In any event children don’t generally perform background checks on each other.
A true friend will judge you by other factors:
Are you kind and considerate to others?
Do you share and take turns?
Are conversations two-way rather than one-sided?
Are you compassionate when someone is hurt?
And most importantly, are you fun to be with?
Boosting Acceptability
Rather than confront your daughter about deceiving prospective friends, you can boost her acceptability. Have playdates, first with one other child at a time so you can step in as needed to coach them through the above social skills. Then work up to hosting two or more friends at a time.
After each playdate, point out the many things your daughter and her would-be friends did to be a good playmate. If they fell short, brainstorm with your child about what might have been a better option to make the playdate more successful. Then schedule another playdate and try again.
There are many picture books that provide good examples of how to be a friend. Look for these titles to read and discuss with your daughter:
Can I Play Too? by Samantha Cotterill
A Friendship Yarn by Lisa Moser
A Friend Like You by Frank Murphy
The Friendship Book by Mary Lyn Ray
When a Friend Needs a Friend by Roozeboos
Meesha Makes Friends by Tom Percival
The Heart of a Whale by Anna Pignataro
Be a Friend by Salina Yoon
A common message in such stories is that a friend accepts you for who you are. And that’s the truth.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. Coming up: Saturday, January 25 at 10:30 am Jeff Holland shares his picture book Chessie the Seamonster That Ate Annapolis. And at 1:30 pm a STEM workshop, Savoring Science – Edible Kitchen Chemistry includes tasty activities with scientific explanations.
