Dear Dr. Debbie,
Punishments and rewards have lost their effect on our 8 and 10-year-old boys. We stopped using Time Out ages ago. Taking away tv and game time no longer work. (They find the controllers when we hide them and sneak their screen time.) Extra chores sometimes work for a while, but truthfully, we don’t consistently enforce this. It’s starting to feel like our kids can do whatever they want because they know we don’t have anything to hold over them anymore.
Feeling Defeated
Dear F.D.,
Take a new approach to family life. Parenting isn’t a game of Us Against Them. It should be a joyful journey, albeit with rough turns along the way. This sounds like your family is in more than a rough turn.
It may be time to reframe and prioritize your role as parents in this family. Dissolve the power struggles. Define shared goals. Work as a family team to get ahead of “bad” behavior. Take advantage of resources to steer your family in the right direction, possibly adding a parenting coach to guide you.
Power Struggles
Punishments and rewards are part of a power system in which the parents judge behavior and control the goods. In such a system, the children often find ways to recoup their power including sneakiness. Instead of upping the ante when your child’s behavior displeases you, sidestep the power struggle by acknowledging his point of view. He may not be “right” (as in, “Everyone in this family hates me so I just want to play my video games.”) but his perspective really is his perspective. Acknowledge that this is how it seems to him. Then include him in decision-making for how to spend family time in a way that’s enjoyable for all – which could include screen time as a family.
To help a child see that he indeed does have some power in the family, give clear choices and follow through consistently. For family activity decisions, parents can set the parameters for cost, length of time, age-appropriateness, whether each child can invite a friend, etc. but the children’s opinions are always welcomed and considered. There should be enjoyable family time at least once a week, not counting pleasant family meals which should be at least daily.
Help the children make good choices about their clothing, their food, their chores, their homework, and their playtime. Again, the grown-ups can set consistent parameters, for example on content and amount of time for games and videos. The American Academy of Pediatrics, in consideration of physical and mental health, recommends no more than two hours of screen time per day for a school age child. By the way, some families have challenged themselves to drop the family conflicts over screen time and do without any tv time at all. Results include more creative activities, more physical activities, less emotional stress, and better sleep.
Shared Goals – Preparation for Adulthood
When you drop the power struggle you’ll be replacing the tone of your interactions with the children from “We can control you” to “We can help you.” How can you help each child to function better within the family, with their friends, at school, and in the community?
Think beyond the moment to the big picture of parenting. Childhood is formational. As parents you have the responsibility for not only providing food, clothing, and shelter for your children, but also the opportunity to build character, teach relationship skills, and help your children discover their talents and interests to create a positive pathway to adult independence. That’s a lot.
Parenting is a long-term project with long-reaching results. Have you thought about the goals you hope to achieve? Daniel G. Amen, M.D. and Charles Fay, Ph.D. have some suggestions for you in their book Raising Mentally Strong Kids: How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident, Kind, Responsible, and Resilient Children and Young Adults. There are copies in Anne Arundel County Public Library.
Teachers’ observations can help you identify each child’s interests and talents which you can further support through out-of-school time activities. These could be regularly scheduled clubs and classes or hobbies he pursues with you, or with a friend, or on his own. The public library is a great resource for nonfiction books for children on all kinds of topics. A librarian may help your children discover favorite fiction writers they can’t get enough of. (It helps if a parent is a role model of enjoying books, too!)
The children’s interests are also a good place to start for determining what to do for family fun.
Preventive Guidance
Children who are enjoying hobbies, gaining skills, being successful with friendships, and feeling enjoyed by their parents have little interest in being “bad”. Purposeful misbehavior doesn’t jibe with their self-image. You can read about children’s motivation behind their behavior in The Good News About Bad Behavior by Katherine Reynolds Lewis, also available at Anne Arundel County Public Library.
When you routinely make sure your children’s needs are met, you are helping to prevent misbehavior before it starts. Children have needs for positive attention, reasonable (and consistently enforced) rules, regular exercise, nutrition and rest, and the all-important need for feeling competent. Attentive parenting builds positive self-esteem which is the assessment a child makes about his worth, his competence, his lovability. Parents, along with other caregivers, then peers, are essential contributors to a child’s self-esteem.
Local Resources
In addition to parenting books, websites, and online parenting support groups, there are professional resources for parenting. Parenting classes including one-on-one sessions are available from Anne Arundel Community College. Request a meeting with the school counselor (Anne Arundel County Public Schools). A list of private counseling services can be found on the Anne Arundel County Network of Care website under Mental Health Agencies. Many psychologists, social workers, and family counselors are equipped with insights into how to improve your effectiveness in parenting. Your pediatrician may be a good source for a recommendation for you.
You’ve taken a first step in recognizing that things aren’t going well. Take the next step to make things better.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm including most holidays. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
