Dear Dr. Debbie,
We have an eighteen-month-old and a three-year-old. It seems they are often frustrated with each other as well as with us, their parents! Is there a way to teach them to calmly accept the word “No” without falling apart?
Meltdowns’ Mom
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Dear M.M.,
It could be that they have a low level of tolerance for frustration, which goes along with Attention Deficit Disorder, anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression. It could also be a trait in their temperaments which causes them to experience emotions strongly and to quickly abandon goals that prove difficult to reach.
Falling apart can be minimized, no matter the cause, if you work toward reducing frustration in the first place.
Look for Patterns
Pay close attention to your children to see if there are recurrent situations that are hard for them to handle. Is a common cause tasks that require fine motor skills? Is it negotiating for a turn with a toy? Is it wanting food when it’s not the appropriate time for it (i.e. sweets before a meal)?
Each cause of frustration could be addressed with your support. Make a list. Tackle each one with a plan. For example, fine motor skills become more smooth with practice as the nerves and muscles develop. There is a strong motivation at your children’s ages to be independent, which means doing more things for themselves without your help. The frustrating reality is that they still need lots of help! Young children will typically focus for several minutes at a time on a task, such as using scissors to snip paper. Over days, weeks, and months, each snip gets progressively more steady and accurate. Your patience, and plentiful supply of scrap paper, will help your child gain the pride that comes from mastery.
Consistent Guidance Toward Solutions
Siblings, especially those close in age, often use each other as models. If one sibling is enjoying a toy, that toy is suddenly very appealing to the other. If one sibling is on a parent’s lap, the other immediately thinks how lovely it would be to sit there.
React consistently so the children learn how to deal with the motivation to copy a sibling. This will reduce never-ending competition and jealousy between them. A toy can be traded with another appealing toy. (Or have duplicate toys handy to satisfy this need.) Parents can instill the practice of accommodating the need to imitate: “Let’s go find something to trade for it.” “Oh, here’s another fire truck you can use.”
Consistently adjust the first child’s position on your lap to accommodate adding the second whenever there is such a request. Read On Mother’s Lap by Ann Herbert Scott to reassure your children that “there’s always room on mother’s lap.” Help them realize that, as Michael in the book says, “It feels good” to snuggle together.
For each of their routine frustrations try to devise a strategy that you will consistently apply. Consistent guidance from parents becomes internalized such that a child who experiences a quick solution will soon learn to use that same solution for herself. She also learns that solutions can generally be worked out! Hopefulness is the opposite of frustration.
Daily Maintenance
Daily routines and house rules help a child to see that her world is predictable. Parents don’t have to say “No” so often because so many “Yeses” are built into the physical environment and the daily schedule. For example, ice cream is only offered after dinner. Naptime consistently starts right after lunch clean up, with shades drawn and a soft toy to snuggle. Outside play happens every day – or else there are indoor alternatives, such as dancing, that get oxygen flowing for clear thinking and release muscle tension to promote calmness.
Prioritize children’s basic physical needs for: good nutrition, restful sleep, and invigorating exercise. Make sure that every day has built in provisions for the time, space, and materials to satisfy these essential components of well-being. Children also need: intellectual stimulation, creative outlets, and most of all, loving attention from a beloved grown-up.
Your three-year-old has social needs that can be best met by another three-year-old. Together they shape their interactions so that their play is mutually satisfying. (Adults can guide as needed to make this happen.)
A regularly followed daily schedule can work in all of these needs. A child-friendly home likewise helps a child know what she can do by eliminating (most of) what she shouldn’t have access to. A child is much better able to tolerate frustration if her day has otherwise been going well.
The Art of Compromise
If a child is frustrated with her scissors snipping, offer a strip of paper or a plastic drinking straw to take the place of a whole sheet of paper. These options take much less effort to achieve a satisfying cut.
If the sibling is not accepting the trade being proposed for the toy in hand, offer a choice of other fun things to do with Mommy instead.
It is very frustrating to be told “No!” at every turn. Parents can model the art of compromise by offering choices whenever possible. For example, “It’s not time for ice cream right now, but let’s write that down as dessert for tonight’s dinner. A better choice for snacking is baby carrots or frozen peas.” With consistent follow through, your child will come to trust that what you write down actually happens – and that it’s always a good time to ask for vegetables.
It’s not so hard to accept a “No” if the vast majority of your experience is “Yes!”
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
