Dear Dr. Debbie,
How much physical and social-emotional risk is good for a child? We have a four-year-old and an eight-year-old. I tend to let them get into a little difficulty before deciding to step in, but my sister is much more protective of her children who are similar ages, and solves their problems before they know they are about to have one. This makes for awkwardness when we’re together with her getting agitated at my willingness to see how things will play out and my annoyance with her continual interference in the children’s play.
Give Them Space to Fail
Dear G.T.S.t.F.,
Failure is often a great lesson. While an overprotective parent may be trying to prevent their children from physical and psychological harm, perhaps because of bad experiences in their own childhood, excessive protection from failure can lead to negative outcomes.
Pick Yourself Back Up
Mostly, children just want to have fun. Uninterrupted fun. When parents hover too closely there’s a tendency to interfere unnecessarily. There is an intense thought process that accompanies good make-believe play which can get disrupted by parental precautions. Now the thread of the drama is thrown off. Make-believe play is rich with themes of good and evil and ripe with opportunities to explore emotions. Children who play regularly with each other usually develop scenarios with predictable roles and plots. Left to themselves, this kind of play leads to enhanced social skills – communication, turn taking, empathy – which guides them in keeping the make-believe going to everyone’s satisfaction. If the play is starting to take a wrong turn – maybe the king is threatening executions – skilled playmates weave the story back to a happily-ever-after ending.
In the case of physical risk as from tree climbing, bicycle riding, or climbing across wet boulders in a creek, the adventure gets sidetracked when an adult limits the play with too many safety warnings and restrictions. Better to assess the possibility of risk – too high? too fast? too sharp? too rough? too far? – before the action begins and make reasonable choices about where and how the children can play. Maybe the four-year-olds aren’t ready for wheelies and bunny hops on their bicycles, and even the eight-year-olds shouldn’t bungee jump from a tree top, but skinned knees and bruises are part of childhood.
Problem Solving
Let’s say a child is constructing a block tower. Without adult interference, lessons in shape, balance, spatial awareness, and gravity teach the child to make changes each time he tries again. Blocks (and gravity) are excellent teachers. Fine motor skills are also taking shape in childhood, guided in part by failure and success with such activities as block building. The best support an adult can give is to give the child an age-appropriate block set. A few hand-sized blocks are best for starting out, with more blocks and larger or smaller sized blocks as the child’s skills grow.
Tiny Legos or large blocks that can make structures big enough to get inside of would be great for hours of creative play for the eight-year-olds. Determination to master the blocks with architecturally satisfying structures supports the development of nerve pathways to steady one’s hands for success. Have them agree on a height limit for the large blocks (in relation to where their heads are) or require they wear their bike helmets as hard hats. Then clear the way for them to enjoy their risky play.
Problem solving is so much a part of children’s unstructured play. Children at play are creating problems to solve. Even classic children’s games such as Hide and Seek, or a physical challenge such as balancing one’s way across a log, create a problem that didn’t exist before the game started. Repetition at these challenges fosters skill development in both mind and body. For example, learning to “play by the rules” becomes possible starting around age five as a child shifts toward not expecting an adult to always settle disputes.
Squabbles between playmates are to be expected among preschoolers, but with timely tools for conflict resolution offered by the older children or a nearby adult, a conflict becomes a learning opportunity. Is there a problem about taking turns to be the leader for a game of Follow the Leader? Make a list of the players, by age or alphabetically by first names, and just keep rotating through the list.
Teach the children how to solve their own problems, only as needed.
Independence
At risk when adults continue to over-monitor and restrict children’s play is a child’s sense of independence. A child needs to tune in to his own emotions and comfort level. He needs to hear the doubts in his own mind about being able to balance himself on the playground climber – not his mother’s doubts. This will help him to better assess his comfort limits going forward. He needs to listen to his own emotions about whether his cousin is playing fairly so he can recognize these feelings in the future. Some social situations call for speaking up. Others call for backing away. Emotional intelligence grows with attention to how we feel, awareness of what caused the feeling, and learning from trying different reactions so we have a better idea of what to do the next time.
A child’s sense of independence grows with experiences in which he has relied on himself – or recognized a good suggestion from a playmate, or remembered a tool his grownup gave him – to figure things out or to change course and abandon the cause.
Self Confidence
You can build a child’s self-reliance and confidence with your observations and questions as he plays. Point out, “Those rocks look slippery.” And ask, “What’s good way to place your feet?” Point out, “It looks like you’re sad.” And ask, “What’s your plan for getting a turn?” Point out, “That log looks wobbly.” And ask, “Do you feel it shifting as you move your body?” This process draws his attention to himself so he can best choose his next move.
An important gain from letting a child fail is self-confidence. This may sound counterintuitive but resilience is fostered by enduring inevitable setbacks. Confidence grows through getting through something difficult and learning the mistakes to avoid in the future. And knowing that facing challenges takes a strength that still exists in you no matter the outcome of any one challenge.
That’s resilience. It comes from scrapes and bruises.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
Summer hours for CCM are from 10 am to 5 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. Bring your favorite teddy or stuffy to the Teddy Bear Picnic this Saturday, July 26 at 10:30 am.
