Dear Dr. Debbie,
I’m seeing myself in our fourth grader. Thursday night there’s often a panic over a project that’s due or test to be taken on Friday. I’m suspecting she doesn’t have a good internal clock to help her manage her time each day and each week.
Otherwise I enjoy how happy-go-lucky and friendly she is. She often chooses the long way home to walk with a friend.
Family Trait?
Dear F.T.,
Time management may be part of this recurring dilemma, but there is also the possibility that she sets herself up for stress out of a fear of failure.
Link between childhood stress and procrastination
Researchers are looking at whether procrastination – which can be detrimental in the long run as a habitual pattern – can be predicted from patterns in parent-child interactions. When parents stress high achievement, and scorn failure, a child can be made to feel that parental love must be earned.
Therefor a “difficult” task is avoided in order to prevent, or at least delay, the overwhelming emotions the task will produce. “Will I do this task well enough to meet my parents’ approval?”
Logically, we’d predict that procrastination causes unpleasant emotions, not the reverse. However, a research team in China through the lens of brain behavior models pointed to neuroscience as an explanation. High anxiety, already in place due to excessively high expectations or other adverse conditions, can reduce a child’s ability to manage their emotions and their behavior. “Individuals with a history of trauma” (such as demanding parents) “are more likely to experience heightened anxiety when confronted with tasks, leading to a greater likelihood of procrastination.”
Self-sabotage
We know that a parent’s words to a child about her capabilities hold a lot of weight. If these words are mostly negative, the child will have trouble believing in herself. Some parents set impossible standards for a child’s achievement rather than letting her interests and talents develop on their own, at their own pace. In the elementary school years it’s common to see fits and starts with inconsistent performance at school, with friendships, for chores, and with hobbies. They’re still children. Ease up on the pressure to always do well.
The procrastinating child who is avoiding what is perceived of as inevitable stress is trying to protect herself against the harsh emotions that accompany failure. So she delays, as long as possible, getting to work on the task. Procrastination feels safer than the risk of failing and facing parents’ disappointment or her disappointment in herself.
Stalling behavior can get more complex by adulthood with the procrastinator adding more and more “important” obligations to her schedule so she has something to blame besides herself for running out of time.
Prevention
Maybe you recognize intergenerational patterns from your own parents’ impossible standards and demands for you to be successful? A study of undergraduates saw a connection between the level of parents’ fear of failure and their student’s fear of failure, more so when both parents scored high on this. It was noted that “love withdrawal” was a parental response to their child’s potential failure – more for mothers than fathers. The parent’s own fear of failure was predictive of “performance-avoidance goals in the classroom” for their student.
It’s never too late to look at one’s childhood to get a fresh perspective on patterns you’d rather not repeat with your children. A professional counselor can help with that.
In the present, here are some strategies for setting your child straight on a path to minimize procrastination.
Strategy # 1 Unconditional Positive Regard
Parental love should not depend on “good” behavior nor on a random, and too-high, standard of success. Positive attention is something that helps a child to get through difficulties of any sort. She needs to know you sincerely enjoy spending time with her. She’s an interesting person with ideas, experiences, and feelings that you like to hear about. You can set up activities and experiences to help her discover her special strengths.
Use affirmations every day such as, “I love you” “You’re a joy” “Such clever fingers!” and “I’m so glad you’re in my life”.
Strategy # 2 Preventing Fear of Failure
Failure is part of living. In addition to unconditional love, whether things are going well or not, a parent can help a child get through a difficult time so she isn’t afraid of another failure in the future. This helps to build resilience.
A recent study from New Zealand with eight-year-olds suggested that parents include a discussion of their child’s emotions when reviewing a setback the child has experienced. Recognize and validate her feelings about the event. It is further recommended that the parent and child discuss ways to work collaboratively to avoid a similar failure in the future. Let your child know that you’re on her side and are very willing to help her to be successful.
Strategy # 3 Reinforce the Joy
You should celebrate the culmination of a challenging achievement, especially one that required efficient time management, so as to reinforce how good it feels! Savor the moment of her new-found pleasure in being on time. High five. Sing a song. Dance a jig.
Point out the ripple effect of the completed task, such as having helped out someone else (her teacher can grade ALL the projects and isn’t left waiting for one more), making someone else proud (Mom, for one), and clearing her schedule and her mind to enjoy doing something else now (take a walk? veg out with screen time? call a friend to come over?).
Strategy # 4 Time Management
Since you identify as a procrastinator yourself, work with your daughter to gain some time management tools. Pick the best time to do a task and estimate how long it will take. For her tasks that will need your direct support, work these into your schedule. For a bigger than 15-minute task, schedule enough blocks of time to get it done. You can set a timer to go off after the time allotted. (If you start early enough you can always add another block or two.) Or you can measure how long the task took and adjust your next scheduling accordingly.
Prioritize the order of separate tasks needed for a bigger project. Schedule the best times for multiple tasks, some of which could be put off until another day.
And be sure to schedule time for friends and the pursuit of happiness.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
CCM is open from 10 am to 4 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. Each Thursday there is a Nature Walk at 10:30 am. As part of Anne Arundel County’s Walktober, all nature walks this month are FREE!
