Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our two-year-old is up at 6 am no matter what time he falls asleep in the evening. He’s bugging me all day long with (mostly unintelligible) chatter and demands for snacks. (Picky eater, too.) I’m lucky to be a SAHM, especially since we had our second baby last fall, but my husband has to drag himself to work five mornings a week. I try to take care of feeding the baby at night, but sometimes Daddy gets to it with a bottle before I can manage. Then on weekends the two-year-old is wanting our attention and help all day long. He has zero interest in his little sister.
Too Pooped to Pop
Dear TPTP,
Yes, it’s hard. No question. The interrupted sleep doesn’t help matters.
Sleep Deprivation is Real
The effects of too little sleep, or repeatedly interrupted sleep, are well-known. Irritability, forgetfulness, clumsiness, and depression are some of the effects. It’s important for parents to reduce their expectations of themselves and each other. Limit your obligations that are outside of taking care of your family. For Daddy this includes holding down his job, but maybe reducing commitments and stretching deadlines. Let others handle heavier assignments until he’s sharp again.
At home, recognize signs of irritability and depression and counter negative feelings with dependable joy producers. Take photos of the children and send them to adoring relatives. Put on uplifting or soothing music. Steep a delicious cup of tea. When the weather is nice, take the children for a walk with the stroller (or stroller and baby back pack). I discovered that bubble blowing, with me holding the bubble jar, sitting on the backdoor step, was a surefire mood fixer for my two-year-old and me when I was energy-sapped toward the end of a pregnancy with my second child.
Arrange your workstations – kitchen, diaper changing area(s), bathroom – for easy operation. Minimize catastrophes with unbreakable containers. Keep small amounts of everyday supplies handy – diapers, oatmeal, baby formula, etc., and restock this weekly from a larger inventory kept nearby. A shopping list can be kept in your cell phone or on a pad stuck to the refrigerator or pantry for noting what needs replenishing next time you and or Daddy shop.
Make unchanging locations for things that are easy to lose track of – car keys for example. Also designate a couple of “key” locations to store your cell phone when it’s not in your pocket.
Important stuff, such as advice or instructions from the pediatrician, should be written down. We had several bouts of ear infections with our second child and learned quickly that neither parent could remember if and when we had given her a dose of her medicine. Find a way to keep track of the important stuff.
Tag Team
Here’s a suggestion for night feedings. Take turns sleeping somewhere where you won’t hear the baby cry. Or along the same lines, take turns sleeping where the baby is sleeping. If only one person on the team loses a good night’s sleep, the other has a chance for some sleep recovery.
Use this strategy on weekends, too. Sure, you want some “whole family” time, but one parent can take a nap while the other strolls the children. Or each of you can have some uninterrupted play time with one child each, both at the same time.
Dinner prep can take a tag team approach, too. If it’s Dad’s turn he can decide what to pick up on the way home (or get delivered) if he’s too pooped to cook from scratch. By the same token, when it’s your turn, you can tag your partner with instructions of what to pick up on the way home, or just take advantage of home delivery options, if you can’t muster the creativity and strength to whip up ingredients from what you have at home.
Reach Out
Family and friends are invaluable at this stage of life. Even a phone call or text to someone who loves you dearly can be a momentary pick-me-up. These are people who are welcome in your home when it’s a wreck, to hold the baby, to read a book to the two-year-old, and who could work their way up to babysitter status. (Even if it starts out being just long enough for you to take a nap.)
Babysitters can also be found in your community. Look for a nearby play group or regularly occurring story time at the library to find other moms (and nannies who have weekends off) with little ones the ages of yours. Chesapeake Children’s Museum has both a weekly Art and Story Time and a weekly nature walk that attract mothers and others with children younger than school age. Start with sharing your children’s ages. Move on to names and neighborhoods. Soon you’ll be swapping baby food recipes and tips for teething and leads on reliable babysitters.
Online communities abound in the digital age. There are local as well as world-wide groups for general baby care comradery and support. Postpartum Support International has a variety of identifiers for helping you choose the right group including: Mood Support, Dad Support, Yoga, Mindfulness, and a group for parents with one to four-year-olds. There’s a webpage for La Leche League that offers information as well as scheduled online meetings “to realize, deepen and share the love and wisdom found in the breastfeeding relationship”.
Maybe you’ll pass another stroller on one of your neighborhood walks and strike up a conversation with a potential mom friend.
Have you thought about enrolling your older child in an early childhood program? Even if he attends for just a couple of hours, a couple of days a week, he’ll be getting his intellectual and social needs met while you spend time with the baby. Enrollment also gets you connected to all the other parents whose children are enrolled. These are perfect candidates for parent-to-parent connections.
Anne Arundel County Public Schools (AACPS) has scheduled information sessions for enrolling in free classes for three-year-olds and four-year-olds next school year. The cut off for each program is turning three (or four) on or before September 1st. It’s too early to register for next school year, but questions about eligibility can be answered at public events coming up at Anne Arundel County Public Libraries.
Even if other parents don’t have magical solutions for your sleep depriving infant and your attention starved toddler, you’ll feel better knowing you’re not alone.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. This Saturday CCM is celebrating Healthy Anne Arundel Day with free admission and special activities.
Healthy Anne Arundel Day continues on Monday, April 7 with Family Folkdancing featuring live music from Machaya Klezmer at 6:30 pm.
