Dear Dr. Debbie,
I seem to spiral into a power struggle at times with my otherwise sweet four-year-old. She’ll put up a stink, for example, if I ask her to pick up the toys in the family room. I’ll try a bribe like extra screen time after dinner, which she agrees to, but when I go back to check on her she’s found something else to play with. So then I’m annoyed because I’ve just put dinner on the table and was looking forward to the extra screen time myself. Last night I retaliated with the threat of giving away her toys. She said, “So what?” and that she has nice toys at Grandma’s.
I admit I was tempted to threaten to not let her go to Grandma’s ever again.
Battle Weary
Dear B.W.
Indeed, a power struggle is when each side is the enemy of the other, using bigger and bigger threats to prove your strength.
I doubt that your daughter continued to play just to spite you. She may have interpreted that cleaning up the family room was a choice. IF she wanted to have more screen time, THEN she would have put the toys away. That’s a choice. Finding something to play with among the heap of toys became a better choice in the moment. (Read here to understand why cleaning up playthings is so difficult!) When you left the room, the toys were more top of mind than her conversation with you.
Let’s rewind this scene.
Competition and Cooperation
At age four, it’s hard to plan for the future. A promise of something after dinner sounds nice, but these toys are beckoning right in front of her. If you really need the toys picked up before dinner, put yourself into the job as a cooperative partner to get it done.
Fours enjoy both competition and cooperation, so ask her which half of the floor, or which of two categories of toys you should take care of so she can work on the other. If there are still more toys on the floor, move on to two more categories, trying to beat each other to the finish, until all the toys are put away. (If she’s too tired, and or too hungry, drop the power struggle and get yourselves to the table ASAP.)
You can use the motivation of having her help you in the kitchen to get her excited about the shared cleanup game. Generally a four-year-old, especially one who is hungry, is an eager helper in the kitchen. Plan your meal prep to include a job or two for her. Once she learns each task, there’s less for you to do so so you’re not putting the preparation of dinner into competition with getting the family room picked up. Everyone appreciates a well-timed dinner.
An added bonus is that she’ll be learning kitchen skills – setting the table, ripping the lettuce for the salad, tasting the noodles to see if they’re done.
Sincere Threats and Bribes
Sounds like you weren’t ready to accept her choice of playing rather than getting more screen time later. If you just wanted some alone time so you could focus on dinner, then it shouldn’t matter how she spent that time, so long as she was safely entertaining herself. An effective bribe, just like an effective threat, is actually a choice, with your ready commitment to carry out your part of the bargain as agreed upon.
By her choice, she’s closed her own door on extra screen time. So what? She has demonstrated that she’s capable of finding things to do on her own. Drop the power struggle when you come back to see what her choice was and just enjoy your dinner together.
If on the other hand, you really wanted the room cleaned up before dinner, try to think of a “reward” your daughter can earn immediately after putting away a reasonable amount of the things on the floor. Maybe she gets to choose the background music to have playing during dinner? The reward reliably happens at the completion of the job. (A five-minute warning can help.) Otherwise, no reward. Either way, you’ve both agreed to it. No hard feelings. That’s the deal.
“When” Not “If”
For several years to come, there will be family conflict about toys (or clothes, or school projects, or half-eaten slices of pizza) being on the floor of a shared space.
Use these early years to help your daughter develop the skills and attitude that will help her to be a collaborative family member. Add “cleaning up after herself” as one of your parenting objectives in guiding her toward independence.
When cleaning up is not a choice, you should do a little more to help her to be successful. Give her a motivation to get the job done. At age four, the reward for a difficult task should be immediate. The reward could be helping to get the dinner on the table, as suggested above. Plan out a job or two for her that she can earn as soon as a short clean up task is complete. For this approach to be successful, start with smaller tasks and gradually move up to bigger tasks.
It’s important to phrase this as: “When you get all the dolls in the crib, then you can toss the salad.” “When all the blocks are in the box, then you can set the napkins on the table,” Hear the difference? The picking up, because you’ve identified a very achievable goal, is as assured as is her reward of a role in getting dinner ready.
A pleasant family dinner is a reward for everyone.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Dr. Wood is leading a virtual workshop for early childhood professionals on Saturday, March 8, 9 am to 12 pm Making Story Time Come Alive! with MSDE certificates granted.
