Dear Dr. Debbie,
I know it’s normal for siblings to upset each other. What really gets to me is when it’s the same infraction over and other. And when I force an apology it’s totally insincere. They’re not sorry.
How can I help them learn not to do whatever it was again?
Mother of 5, 5, & 7
Dear Mother,
Yes, siblings can easily irritate each other. And, often it’s over a recurring issue because patterns of conflict have been set between them.
Timing
Prevent some of the squabbling by recognizing when it’s likely to occur. Find patterns in the time of day you’re likely to have: hungry children, tired children, stressed out children, or bored children. Any of these can set off a sibling dispute.
Low blood sugar is easily addressed with food. Have ready-to-eat foods on hand for when it’s going to take a few minutes to finish getting a meal on the table. Carrot sticks, snap peas, string cheese, whole grain crackers, or a cup of (watered) juice can keep hands and mouths while the body’s chemical equilibrium is restored.
The other causes of finding fault in a sibling’s existence (fatigue, stress, boredom) might be addressed with some one-on-one attention. Try to carve out a predictable time in each day for a parent to spend individual time with each of the children. This could be for: re-setting their toy cars in their garage, meal preparation in the kitchen, making a grocery list, feeding the goldfish, gathering up the library books to return, filling the backyard bird feeder, or having a parent shampoo your hair in the tub. Well-timed time with a parent prevents sibling altercations.
Communication
Young children need some help with truly hearing what a disgruntled person has to say. If there’s a repetitive negative pattern in a relationship, it makes sense to open up the lines of communication to talk about it.
Before the next conflict arises, pick a calm moment to bring up your observation that Action X carried out by Sibling A seems to annoy Sibling B. Have separate conversations to start the negotiation process as you get each child to put their perspective and feelings into words. You can present the opposing perspective to each child separately, too, to prevent harsh words between them.
When children hurt others, physically or emotionally, they need help dealing with their victims’ feelings as well as their own. The adult can help best by remaining calm and neutral. It may not be fair to blame a child for a single act in isolation; after all, relationships are ongoing. It is quite possible that Action X was actually a retaliation for Action W, which was in retaliation for actions going back to the very beginning of the relationship. By listening without judgement, you are acknowledging that yes, the aggrieved sibling is upset. By helping them hear their sibling’s point of you, you are promoting empathy.
With consistent practice, each child learns to express his side as well as to hear the opposition.
Compromise, Remorse, and Restitution
After you’ve given ample opportunity for each side to be heard – and for them to hear the other side – maybe they’ll come up with a solution on their own. If not, you can propose one for them to try. Help them understand that it is in the interest of family harmony for both parties to agree to a constructive strategy for preventing Action X from happening again. Stress that family harmony is a gift that family members give each other.
A verbal apology, as you have observed, is not very meaningful to children still in the concrete stage of mental development. Neither the apologizer nor the apologizee gains much relief when an “I’m sorry” has been coerced.
Instead, model what remorse looks like. Show how to give physical comfort when someone is hurt – physically or emotionally. Children should see that grownups are more concerned about the person who is crying than about blaming or punishing the person who caused the crying. Comfort the victim. Make a mental note to calmly address the situation with each party later through non-judgmental communication. Get to the root of the conflict and brainstorm to prevent it from happening again.
Your children will soon catch on to the fact that one doesn’t get adult attention for making a sibling cry. Nor is attention for crying the end of it. The focus is on restoring harmony.
Teach children the art of two-way communication. Give them examples to try for resolving a conflict and preventing its repetition. Help them make amends for the inevitable conflicts that arise in relationships.
Saying that you are sorry just because an adult says to does not help a child develop the skills needed to get along with others.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.
Dr. Wood is presenting a series of Zoom workshops on Wednesday evenings for parents and other caregivers of young children: Effective Discipline for Preschoolers on February 25, “I Had it First!” Teaching Preschoolers Conflict Resolution on March 11, and Stress with Children on March 25. All workshops are from 7-9 pm.
A free family concert, “The Message is in the Music” with songs of peace and love by the Silopanna Band will be held on Thursday, February 26, 6:30-7:30 pm at the Busch Library on West Street.
