Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our lovely daughter is becoming a teenager in front of our eyes. She’s 14 and doing well in school, generally civil with her younger brothers, and mostly loving with her father and me. (I have gotten some eye rolling, which Dad has not.) She has a couple of friends, however, that have recently gotten in some serious trouble. One friend was even expelled from school. Am I within my rights as a parent to be snooping in my daughter’s room, checking the history on her computer, identifying all the calls on her cell phone, etc.?
Since she’s our oldest, and some of the technology available to her didn’t even exist in our adolescence, it feels like we’re entering unknown territory. I don’t want her to think we don’t trust her, but the truth is, it doesn’t feel like good parenting to assume she’s always staying out of harm’s way. I am worried that I will find something to confirm my suspicions that she is putting herself at risk. But by not snooping, I just worry.
New at Being the Parent of a Teen
Don’t miss last week’s column Balancing work and a sick child — Good Parenting
Dear Teen Parent,
Unfortunately teens can find themselves in rough waters all too quickly. Drugs, sex, cyberbullying, eating disorders, drag racing, and other seriously risky but common behaviors can have catastrophic consequences for young lives. Good parenting keeps step with the changing landscape as children mature by being aware of headline news and community trends concerning tragedies involving teens. Snooping helps a parent to be sure a teen is on track for a healthy future and to know when help is needed.
As an informed parent, you can do a better job of parenting, so you need to know what you are looking for. Popular drugs change. Be aware of the drugs that are actually household items, such as cough medicine and inhalants, and the abuse of prescriptions belonging to other people.
Evidence of interest in or participation in sexual behavior should remind you that the “talk” is not a one-time event. Misinformation about pregnancy and STD prevention persists in every generation. Make sure your daughter has access to reliable information as well as a healthy attitude about her body and relationships. Unhealthy relationships can lead to risky behaviors with sex, drugs and other dangerous activities. And due to the way the teenage brain works, there will always be teens who try to prove they are invincible, but in original ways.
Technology has certainly changed aspects of the game for teens and parents. Once upon a time young teens wrote secret crushes and socially damaging criticisms in a “slam book” they kept from the eyes of teachers and parents. Today a social media posting not only travels faster than the speed of a spiral notebook down a row of desks, the damaging remarks, photos and videos exist forever.
While there seems to be a wider world of trouble for teens to get into, parents can stay on top of monitoring and restricting what happens with the cell phones and computers provided to their children. It’s too late to admit after a disaster that “I didn’t know she was experiencing that, going there, hanging out with that person” when technology exists to monitor the use of technology.
Aside from reading texts and checking her drawers and backpack, you can keep yourself informed by paying attention to your daughter’s changing circle of friends. A responsible parent will learn their last names, where they live and who they live with. While you are still driving your daughter to and from social activities, be sure to meet her friends’ parents face to face. If you have your daughter’s friends in your home or in your car, and something goes amiss (drugs or alcohol turn up, other teens are secretly let into your home, the “supervised” party you drop the kids off at turns out not to be) you will have to tell the other parents. Likewise, if something untoward goes down while other parents have been entrusted with your daughter, those parents are more likely to inform you if there is an established relationship between you. It is much easier to protect your children together than separately.
Sheryl Feinstein, author of “Inside the Teenage Brain,” reminds parents to continue to be a presence as well as source of support. Keep communication going with benign but interesting subjects so you don’t come off as lecturing and controlling because you only talk about areas of concern and conflict. Find opportunities for heart-to-hearts about her hopes for her future. There may be jams you can help her get out of such as a run to the store to help with a last minute project. This won’t happen, however, if you are considered the enemy.
Within a caring and supportive relationship, “selective monitoring” is one way to show your daughter that you will help her to be safe with her cyber communications. If you will be giving random (or regular, if warranted) checks of her belongings, you might similarly notify her of this as you see fit. She might be relieved to know you are trying to prevent her from the sorts of trouble her friends have experienced. Teens who know their parents are behind them have a better chance of ultimately wanting their parents to be proud of them.
Respecting privacy is one thing, but not knowing could be regrettable. Accurate information can help you provide protection, support and guidance during the rough waters of adolescence.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood is a child development specialist in Annapolis. She holds a doctorate in Human Development from the University of Maryland at College Park and is founding director of the Chesapeake Children’s Museum. Long time fans and new readers can find many of her “Understanding Children” columns archived on the Chesapeake Family Magazine website. You can find her online at drdebbiewood.com.
What do you think? Leave your thoughts in the comments or submit a question to Dr. Debbie at Betsy@jecoannapolis.com
