Dear Dr. Debbie,
My four-year-old has two close friends with whom we share playdates. All three girls attend the same school.
I feel fortunate to have these friendships in her life, especially now that I have a six-month-old taking up a lot of my attention. Things are fine when it’s just one friend visiting, but often when the three of them get together there are hurt feelings and sometimes tears.
Conflict Negotiator
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Dear C.N.,
When two become three, there’s a chance of two against one or exclusion of the third. This is a Social Triangle.
What It Is
Awareness that one is a social entity is usually in place around 15-18 months. The first social triangle can occur when Mom and Dad show affection to each other and the toddler feels left out. It is perfectly natural to expect that all parental attention should focus solely on her. The advent of a second child in your family adds a rival to time alone with a parent since the baby’s needs have to come first now.
When true peer relationships develop in the preschool years, alliances and exclusions occur on a regular basis among playmates. This is a learning time. Four-year-olds increase their skills in cooperative play, dealing more and more effectively with group roles as they share ideas and play together. They are motivated to maintain connection to one or more peers in order for playtime to work.
As they play together, they are learning to lead as well as follow. They must cope with their own emotions, the emotional reactions of others to them, and to the emotional exchanges between the other playmates they are playing with. In earnestly trying to be a good playmate, sometimes a child must choose between what she presumes one playmate wants her to do versus what she thinks another playmate wants her to do.
This process is repeated in the child’s everyday contacts with the people around her. What do I feel about what’s going on? What is the other person’s reaction to my needs? How does what’s going on between us affect a third person? Is it worth it to change what I’m thinking / feeling / doing to satisfactorily include the third person?
A social triangle challenges her to interact with more than one person at a time. Thankfully, competence grows with time and practice.
What It’s For
First, consider the give and take skills needed to succeed in a two-person relationship. Each partner must fulfill needs for the other. Turns are taken. Goals are shared. Communication, concern, compromise, and concessions are part of the package. I’m for you and you’re for me. A benefit of having a steady playmate – through school, in the neighborhood, or a sibling close in age – is plenty of opportunity in managing the interplay of two people’s needs.
Negotiating as a threesome is a bit more complex. No longer just “me” and “you,” now three psyches must converge. Issues of leadership, alliances, strengths, and weaknesses are embedded in the small group process. There are outward objectives of the group: to agree on everyone’s roles for make-believe play, to build a fort with the couch cushions, to create and name shapes with the play dough, etc. But there is also a deeper agenda going on, for example: to experience oneself in various group roles (including group outcast), to strengthen friendship bonds, to create an alliance against a shared “enemy” or obstacle, to explore the value system of the group, and or to practice resolving group conflict by building consensus.
Children need to experience the conflicts that triangles present. They are developing strategies to use when dealing with future triangles – with friends, in families, on teams and committees, and in the workplace. How will a decision to spend a holiday with Grandparents A affect my relationship with Grandparents B? What will that committee member think of the decision we made when he was absent? Will Client X understand the delay caused by a rush job for Client Y? The ability to see things from more than one perspective at the same time is a crucial skill in life.
What To Do
Young children benefit from close supervision and guidance in dealing with social conflicts, including triangle conflicts. Plan ahead how you will intervene when two children are acting uncivilly toward the third and remain a close physical presence. Let them experience the tension, but don’t let things get out of hand.
Enforced rules can help. House rules should be set for such issues as teasing and name calling. Physical harm is a definite no-no. If tempers aren’t too hot, you can coach them to resolve the conflict – help them express their feelings and to hear each others’ opinions. You could suggest another family role for the un-included child, offer a solution to “not enough” play dough by showing them how it can be divided equally among them, and so on. You’ve had many years of resolving conflict to draw from.
Subtle manipulations may be called for if a group continues to have trouble living in threes. Buzz by the play area on a more frequent basis. If two are ganging up against one, align yourself with the underdog. Step in to act as her play partner or to involve her in what you are doing.
If needed, temporarily relocate a child who is being overly aggressive or is being picked on. Reassure her that she can play with the others “later” since now doesn’t seem to be a good time. Ask her to decide the snack for the threesome and take her to the kitchen to prepare it with you (or to play Peek-a-Boo with the baby while you do it). She would probably appreciate the break from her playmates.
Children have much to learn about living in harmony with others. Regular practice in resolving the tension created in social triangles provides them invaluable training.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
