ThinkstockPhotos 865439460If you need to call a helpline to cook a turkey then you are done. The turkey cooking telephone help lines opened November first. I am not going say which ones. But if you need to call them then you need to not cook a turkey. Buy a cooked turkey. Cater your dinner or call your favorite uncle over to fry one up for you—outside of course.

Having said that, I actually called one of these help lines years ago. This is because my daughter Paige’s curiosity took over. After rising early on a Thanksgiving day when she was about 9, I toiled in the kitchen. I spent the night before making sure the turkey was thawed and well-seasoned. I got up around 7 am and got to work getting that bird in the pan. I did what my mother taught me which was put garlic under the skin. Cut slits in it to add a little butter. Stuff it with celery, onion and garlic. Then criss cross two pieces of bacon on top. I did all that and put that sucker in the oven at 9AM.

Paige was so interested in the cooking of this turkey that she kept opening the oven to inspect it. I told her to stop looking at it. Let it cook. But she had to see. About an hour into the cooking process I went to take a shower. I told her again to leave the oven alone. Not sure where dad was but not where he was supposed to be.

After showering I could smell that turkey and it seemed odd to me it was giving off that aroma already. I went to check on the turkey and it was not good. I could not pull the door open. You know why? Paige had looked at that turkey again and when she did probably trying to conceal her crime she pulled over the lever that put the oven on clean. That meant the turkey was cooking at more than 500 degrees. Once I turned the oven off it took at least half an hour to open the door. My turkey was cooked. The legs cocked open and the turkey looked exhausted. It also looked done. Really done.

I called the turkey line and asked what I should do. Is it safe to eat? I was told they never had that question before and didn’t know what to tell me. So, not sure if I could serve it to my guests I went to the grocery store bought another turkey and started all over again. At dinner time we had two turkeys. The one cooked super fast thanks to Paige actually tasted better than the second one. I sent everyone home with turkey. I am buying a cooked turkey this year. I am done.

Lisa Robinson is the mother of two amazing young women. She is a freelance writer for several Baltimore area magazines, including Chesapeake Family Life. Lisa works as a news anchor and investigative reporter for WBAL-TV in Baltimore. When she’s not dealing with the drama of her two daughters, she’s busy cooking, working out, hosting her friends for get-to-getters, reading, and writing a non-fiction book. Lisa is one of the funniest people you’ll get to know. She relishes in saying the things others are afraid to. You can catch up with Lisa here and on Facebook and Twitter.