Dear Dr. Debbie
Our boys are 26 months apart. The younger one walks pretty well now and likes to follow his brother around. The three-year-old hates this, mostly because his little brother will pick up something that he’s playing with, and try to walk away with it.
The baby didn’t use to be so fascinated with what his brother was doing. Now I have to watch closely or the older brother gets physical.
Family Arbitrator
Dear F.A.,
There are continuous adjustments to having a younger brother that come along with his stages of development. From the beginning, a firstborn child experiences that his things, his home, his parents, essentially his world, have been taken over by the “new” baby. He doesn’t get to be the baby anymore.
However, the presence of a sibling gives a child countless opportunities to learn how to negotiate turns, space, and one’s place in the family circle.
Invasion or Inclusion?
Now that the younger brother has achieved the milestone of walking, the older brother is a model of what he could be doing. Toddlers love to copy. The older brother may be finding it challenging (okay, annoying) to have a shadow.
He still wants to be the only one on your lap on the couch. He still wants to hold your hand in the park. He still wants you to lie with him at bedtime with a storybook.
Becoming an older sibling is a major life transition, followed by many mini transitions as the sibling journey continues. On Mother’s Lap by Ann Herbert Scott beautifully depicts the discomfort an older sibling has with sharing mother’s lap with a younger sibling. The story ends with both children being able to fit on their mother’s lap at the same time. At this stage of the parenting game, that’s what you have to try to do as much as possible. While you’re helping Little Brother with his spoon skills as he sits in his high chair, you can chat with Older Brother about the food everyone is eating and what the family will be doing later. Being the parent of two young children often requires directing your attention to both of them at the same time.
Include both children in stroller walks, singing and dancing, and helping with household chores together. Of course it will take much longer to sort the clean laundry when you have helpers, but if Little Brother is given paired socks to toss into his own pile after Big Brother matches them up, the three of you will be working together. That’s what families do.
Clear Divisions
Some objects, such as clothes and toys, are individually owned for as long as the child needs or wants them, others are passed down from older to younger sibling, and some are jointly owned at the same time. If each sibling has his own room, this is where he is able to play with his own toys without sibling interference. At age three, your older child still needs you to be able to listen in and frequently see what he’s doing. This can be accomplished with a baby gate at his bedroom door. At some point he may see the value in having his sibling join him in playing in his room, but he would have the right to invite the younger brother in or not.
Even in a shared bedroom, there should be clear borders around personal space. Help your older child express his interests – firetrucks, dragonflies, wildflowers, etc. by what’s on the wall next to his bed. The bed itself has his personally owned stuffed animals on it and perhaps a blanket that has been his all his life. Designate shelves, dresser drawers, two toy boxes, and a side of the closet for each child’s things so as to emphasize what personally belongs to each brother.
The family room, play room, living room, or kitchen table are areas that everyone might use, sometimes at the same time. Items that anyone can use are kept accessible to all. A parent can help to divide up the space if the children will be doing different activities in the same area. Stay close to reinforce boundary lines. For example, if they’re both occupying floor space with their play, your body acts as a barrier between them. This way, the train cars are not filched by Younger Brother as Older Brother sets up the track.
Respecting Property Rights
A three-year-old can be fiercely possessive and can react to the threat of a toy being snatched away as if it were a part of his body. A toddler operates with the assumption that everything in the world is his to explore. So the adults need to create and enforce some family rules about property rights. There are objects that must be shared and, since sharing isn’t easy, there are consistent rules to be followed. For example, you can’t use what someone else is using. You can’t destroy what someone else has made.
Personal property must be safeguarded, too. If it’s in your brother’s personal space (his room or his shelf), you have to ask his permission. The more tempting items may need physical safeguards – a tightly shut bin on the floor of a closed closet, or out of reach on a high shelf. Out of sight out of mind works well for a toddler.
By the same token, the younger brother’s playthings are not available to his sibling without his permission. This sets a pattern of respecting ownership from the get go. Although it may be tempting to let Older Brother play with the toy dinosaurs his sibling got as a birthday present, he has to ask him first. The more you do this, the sooner Younger Brother will learn that asking comes before taking – and isn’t guaranteed. This also assures Older Brother that his toys will not be touched when he’s asleep or not around.
“Don’t even ask” may be the standing rule for a week or so following a birthday windfall. This gives the recipient time to bond with his gifts and to decide which he will store in personal territory and which he is willing to contribute to the communal good in the family’s shared spaces.
Switcheroo
Jointly owned toys are easy targets for “I had it first!” disputes. The most attractive toy in the room is the one attached to another child. The easiest way to settle a dispute over a toy that’s already being played with is to quickly offer the grabber an equally attractive plaything. A toddler’s mind is usually pretty easy to distract, but you have to act fast before the conflict escalates to screaming and grabbing back.
Prepare for this eventuality by having options of similar toys so that it is indeed possible for one child to copy the other.
When you help your children play without conflict, having a brother is not so bad after all.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. On Sunday, May 11, travel to Mexico from 2-5 pm as CCM celebrates el dia de los niños, Children’s Day with free activities.
