Talking To Children About Grief And Loss

Grief and loss can be heavy topics of discussion for any age. While these may not be pleasant topics of discussion, there are ways to navigate these conversations and support children to make these aspects of life more manageable. 

Be Honest 

Children are perceptive. They look to adults in their lives to support them and help them understand and navigate the world around them. It is only natural for parents and caregivers to want to shelter children from things that will cause them hurt or harm, but when it comes to the realities of death and dying, honesty is crucial. 

If a loved one is sick or dying or if the loss of someone or something (such as a pet) has occurred or is imminent, children need to hear the truth in order to process what is happening and begin to move through the natural grieving process. Hiding the truth, minimizing the situation, or using vague language or language that can be misinterpreted can cause more harm and confusion in the long run. 

Children often fear what they do not know or what they do not understand. Being open and honest with children about the difficult aspects of life helps them to feel informed, seen, heard, and included in the events that are happening around them. Honesty builds trust as well and keeps the lines of communication open should they need to talk further or have any questions or concerns. 

Marna Brickman, LCSW-C, is the owner of Guiding Therapy in Annapolis. When it comes to talking to children about the realities of death and dying, she says “If there is a sick loved one or pet, you want to discuss their condition with them [children] before they die and let the children know what is happening. That they are likely going to die and what that means. Not that they’re “going away” or “resting.” But that they are going to die and that means that their body has stopped working.” 

The same goes for using confusing language like “putting them to sleep” when it comes to explaining the euthanasia of a pet. Sleep does not mean death, so this can create issues such as confusion; a child thinking the pet might wake back up. Or it can create fear; a child thinks that if they fall asleep, they might never wake up. 

Take Ages and Stages Into Consideration

As with any conversation, parents and caregivers should tailor their language and responses to the age and stage of development to suit the needs of each child. Infants and toddlers might have very little understanding of what has occurred other than their surroundings have changed. Younger children might have trouble grasping the permanence of loss. And teenagers may grasp the reality and depth of the situation, but will still likely need extra emotional support. 

Marna expands on this by saying “3-4-year-olds don’t understand that death is permanent. They have magical thinking and think the lost loved one is coming back.” She says that parents and caregivers can expect children of this age to cry more. Be clingy, and possibly experience some behavior regression.” She recommends keeping up with routines and talking openly about feelings. She says that for school-aged children who understand that death is permanent, it is natural for them to question what happens after death. She also says that these children might express fear that other people they love will die. “They will need a lot of reassurance. They will need to keep to a routine. And they will need their feelings acknowledged.” When it comes to teenagers, Marna says that they often want to be independent and come across as mature, but this does not change the fact that they are still grieving. “They may not want to share their feelings.” She says. “They will lean on their friends more, maybe play more video games, or become easily distracted. They may use humor or jokes to cover up their feelings.” She says that for this age it is important to maintain a balance, include them in what is happening, but also give them time and space to grieve in their own way.”

A common question that comes up when discussing the aftermath of death is what to do about funerals. Parents often question whether or not it is appropriate for a child to attend a funeral. This will largely depend on each child, their age, their thoughts on the matter, and the family’s beliefs as a whole. It is important to take into account the child’s wishes. Do they want to attend? Are they unsure? Are they completely against going? Explore these questions as a family to decide what is best for everyone involved. If children do attend, it can be helpful to let them know what to expect ahead of time. Funerals and the processes surrounding death and dying do not have to be scary. Knowledge and understanding can be incredibly helpful in removing fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. 

Regardless of age, children will need ongoing support. “Grief doesn’t go away. It will rear its ugly head as children experience life’s milestones and important events.” Marna says. When dealing with difficult life circumstances, it is important for parents and caregivers to remain aware of their own emotions and needs as well. Marna reminds anyone experiencing grief that “grief is the price we pay for the love we had/have for the person or pet we lost.” 

When To Call A Professional 

Grief and loss is not a linear process. There will be days when you feel like you are finally getting back on your feet and days where the loss feels so heavy that you can hardly move. Special days such as birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, etc. can trigger a flood of emotions year after year. For many people, the best healer will be time. Sometimes though, people need additional support from professionals to process grief. “If there are extreme reactions or low/depressed mood that doesn’t seem to be improving with time, or if kids start to self-harm or talk about not wanting to live, these are signs that their grief may be turning to depression.” Says Marna.   

Other helpful resources to process grief and loss include: