Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our six-year-old has a habit of saying “That’s not fair!” whenever things don’t go as she’d like them to. She whines that her older brother has a later bedtime. (His school starts later than hers.) She complains that I’m too busy with her younger sister. (She’s two-years-old and needs a lot of my attention.)
I know that being a middle child is tough, but she’s always going to be younger than one and older than the other.
I can’t imagine her arguing through a day at school that she’s not getting exactly what the other students are getting, but there’s probably a better chance that everyone gets the same deal there.
Middle’s Mom
Dear M.M.,
The science of typical child development backs up your practice of treating your children differently due to their ages. It would not be good for them if you treated them all the same. Imagine following a middle schooler around the house to be sure he doesn’t put a battery in his mouth or mistreat the cat – as you do for the two-year-old? Or allowing your two-year-old to walk four blocks to the library by herself – as your oldest might be perfectly capable of doing?
Ages and Stages
Your six-year-old is acting exactly as a six-year-old should. She sees an older sibling staying up later so she expects to have the same privilege. Likewise, that constant attention and support you give to the little sister makes her long for similar indulgent treatment. At age six, a child has a hard time coming in second on anything. Her siblings provide an immediate comparison of what they’re getting that she isn’t.
What you’re seeing at home is probably different than what your daughter’s experience is at school. There everyone is the same age – with fairly equal treatment dispensed by the adults in charge. Although it can be excruciating to wait your turn through 25 or so line leaders. That’s why some teachers also assign a “caboose” which cuts the wait in half to have a special position when the class goes down the hall together. But still, a first grader craves being first, best, and most special all the time.
An expert first grade teacher works hard to make every child feel special and to minimize any experience of feeling compared to others. (Test scores and grades should be kept private!) Six-year-olds don’t like losing. So the best games are “cooperative” in which all the players work together to achieve a goal. One example is for everyone to stand (or sit) in a circle and keep a beachball in the air. Everyone contributes to the success of the game. (More about having a successful, non-competitive, playdate with another six-year-old below.)
Entitlement
It might be exhausting to have to keep reminding your six-year-old what she can and cannot do and what she can and cannot have. She has such trouble accepting the truth about privileges she has yet to earn, due to her age, and the quantity of parental attention that is no longer necessary, also due to her age. Consistency can help her accept daily routines, such as the time of her bedtime, and rules of behavior, such as doing things for herself while Mom is busy with the little sister.
She still needs attention, of course, but try to be consistent with giving it to her. It’s natural for siblings to see each other as rivals for being the apple of their parents’ eyes. Reduce how often this occurs by giving individual attention at different times of the day and for different activities that you do with each child. If you set a pattern each day or each week for how much time you devote for such one-on-one interactions, your daughter will learn when she can expect to have you to herself. Otherwise, the constant craving for you to notice her, and to think better of her than you do her siblings, could grow to be an obsession.
We call such an attitude “entitlement” when, past the age of six, a person still expects to win all the games, to have advantages given to her that others don’t have, and to be the center of attention. It’s not a good look.
Peer to Peer
School gives your daughter a break from comparing herself to her siblings, but if she’s learning at home to pluck your nerves until you give her what she wants (which may not be what she needs) she’s going to have a hard time making friends at recess. Nobody likes a whiner.
Likewise if she’s aggravated in her family life to the point of being mean and bossy to the little sister, this could be setting her on an unpopular course as “too bossy” for her peer group.
Work on having playdates for the six-year-old so she can learn to play fairly with a peer. Fairness is easier to learn when there is equity between two individuals – similar ages and therefor similar abilities and needs. As the host, your daughter should be instructed ahead of time to make her friend feel welcome by sharing possessions graciously and otherwise making sure the friend has a good time. Make believe play, with simple dress-ups and props, is good for this. Crayons and paper can be another non-competitive activity if the children’s skill level for coloring is similar. Or the playmates can collect colorful leaves to make a photograph montage out of, with a little help from your cell phone camera.
Eventually your daughter will learn that she can enjoy playmates, even including her siblings, when there are inequities between them. Despite differences in their advantages and their needs good playmates contribute to the fun of being together. That’s how families work. That’s how communities work. That’s how the world should work.
When things are fair for everyone, they’re not always equal, but it turns out to be best for all.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services, CCM is hosting low-cost workshops for childcare professionals. “A World of Music and Dance” will be held on Saturday, December 7, 9:30-11:30 am. Register here. The workshop is MSDE-approved for Core of Knowledge content.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
