Dear Dr. Debbie,
My husband and I expecting our second child this summer and our two-year is starting to ask questions. What’s appropriate to share with her? There’s also a little cousin about the same age, so my sister and brother-in-law could benefit from some language and resources about the coming of the new member of the family.
Biology Refresher
Dear B.R.,
It will be easier to start the conversation about human reproduction if a child already has some of the vocabulary. The American Academy of Pediatrics cautions that “if children aren’t getting the facts about sex and sexuality from their parents, they could be getting incorrect information from their friends or the media.” Silly names, or silly stories about the stork, or not talking about “privates” at all, can give a child the impression that bodies and birth can’t be talked about in an honest, straightforward way.
Reproduction Information
It’s never too early to learn about bodies. Proper names of his or her own body parts should be included during diapering, bathing, and toileting. A boy urinates from his penis. A girl has a urinary opening. The external area around her urinary opening and the vagina (which is internal) is the vulva. Add more vocabulary as your pregnancy enters family conversation. Use accurate words such as “uterus” instead of “stomach” which can mislead a child to think that the growing baby is part of Mommy’s digestive system. Well, what she eats does go to the baby, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Use simple, consistent language. Sperm are made in a man’s testes (or use the word “testicles”) and leave through his penis. These are microscopic (“teeny, tiny”) cells that carry important details such as eye color for a new baby. Only one sperm cell will connect with an egg cell. Egg cells were made in Mommy’s ovaries before she was born. (You can add Grandma’s uterus into the story here, if that’s relevant.) An egg cell also has information about eye color, hair color, how tall this person may get to be, and other traits that will help to make this brand new person. Decide when to introduce the concept of sexual intercourse. You can choose picture books that help to tell the story you think your child is ready for. Once you’ve opened the door to honest information, a child knows to come back with more questions.
Explain that it’s important for a pregnant woman to eat healthy food and to drink plenty of water. Inside her body, her blood – which is mostly water – is carrying vitamins and protein to help the baby grow. The vitamins travel to the placenta which is inside the uterus which is connected by a cord (which is like a tube) to the baby’s stomach. From there the good things from the food go through the baby’s blood to the baby’s brain, bones, muscles, fingernails, toenails, and skin.
When the baby is big enough, after around nine months of growing, the muscles around the woman’s uterus start flexing (here you can use a synonym such as “squeeze” or “hug”) to help the baby move through the opening of the uterus that leads to the vagina (or “birth canal”). Vaginal births are more common than Cesarean sections, so you needn’t bring this into the discussion. Part of why we give children information about pregnancy and childbirth is to prepare them for their own experiences later.
If you end up having a C-section, you can cross that bridge when you come to it to explain your still healing cut and your need to rest up.
Belly buttons are a fascinating topic for young children. You can suggest that your little one and her cousin imagine the baby’s button so they can look forward to seeing it after the dried up umbilical cord drops off.
References and Resources
Biology has basic components for creating a new human, so unless you have an unusual situation with donated sperm, a harvested embryo, or another modern miracle of pregnancy, you’ll find many fine picture books that put all the pieces together, so to speak. By the way, your two-year-old and her cousin may be quite fascinated to hear about their lives in utero so be sure to add details about food cravings or rhythmic kicks to certain pieces of music that are part of their own pre-birth stories.
Here are a few books to look for at the library or from a bookseller:
Andry How Babies Are Made
Cole When You Were Inside Mommy
Davis Before You Were Born – a Lift the Flap Book
Daynes Where Do Babies Come From – Lift the Flap
Roberts Where Do Babies Come From?: Our First Talk About Birth
Robie What’s in There?: All About Before You Were Born
Related Topics
Since you’ll be creating a welcome space for talking about bodies and childbirth, use teachable moments to cover related topics such as consent and family planning. Think of what the children need to know now – ask before giving a hug, say “No” if you don’t want a hug, etc. Also insert messages about “wanting” your children so they have a foundation for their own family planning in the future.
A related topic you might throw in is that of romantic relationships. We want all our children to know that they are loved. They benefit from knowing that it was the love between two people that created them (adoptions and other family building stories also have love in them). A child watches the respect and care shown between her parents to confirm that she is the product of love. She also watches your loving relationship as a model for what she might want for herself in the future.
Along with facts about pregnancy, human sexual expression should be tied in with healthy relationships long before these tots get to be of dating age.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. On Saturday, March 29, from 1-2 pm, enjoy some Savory Science with a workshop about Savory Bites – Discover the Magic of Color in Foods with experiments and concoctions using natural dyes.
