Welcome to our weekly online series on parenting advice with local expert Dr. Deborah Wood.
Shuttled Toddler
Hello Dr. Wood
I read a few of your articles and appreciate your approach and views.
I would greatly appreciate some advice to help my 26 month old girl, “Tandy,” deal with her parents’ separation. Her mother moved out mid-May; I got an emergency court order for 50/50 shared custody, but now our daughter is passed back and forth every 48 hours. Needless to say, emotions are high.
I am trying to keep things consistent, unfortunately my wife will not respond when I ask about Tandy’s sleep schedule, diet, etc. Things I send with her (stuffed doggy, favorite toys, etc.) never return, even though I informed her (mom) that these are to stay with Tandy for stability.
Is she too young for counseling?
A Dad Trying to Hold On
Dear Dad,
So sorry to hear about the stress your family is under.
You are on the right track with trying to keep as much of a consistent routine as possible for Tandy. Mealtimes and bedtimes, particularly, should have predictable patterns she can count on.
And yes, she should have at least one item – a stuffed animal, for example – that travels back and forth with her.
If you need an intermediary so you and her mother don’t have to see each other every two days, enlist the assistance of a relative or friend of the family to host the exchange at a neutral location. Some communities provide a free service for the “handover” – perhaps at a YWCA or church. If Tandy goes to a child care center or a family child care provider, then this becomes the intermediary. Be sure to let her caregiver know what’s going on with Tandy’s shuttled existence so they can provide even more stability than usual, and make allowances for behavior.
The caregiver also helps Tandy just by providing a safe place to express emotions and to be reassured that her parents will always love her.
If Tandy does not have a trusted grown-up besides Mom and Dad, then a professional counselor is in order. Your involvement in the sessions – and mom’s if she is willing – would be to assist the counselor in understanding how Tandy is being affected by the upheaval. A counselor will also guide you with long-term strategies to minimize the affect the separation may have.
When things settle down a bit, you and Mom should go together to a counselor or mediator with the goal of working cooperatively on Tandy’s behalf. That’s the deal with 50/50.
Dr. Deborah Wood is a child development specialist in Annapolis. She holds a doctorate in Human Development from the University of Maryland at College Park and is founding director of the Chesapeake Children’s Museum. Long time fans and new readers can find many of her “Understanding Children” columns archived on the Chesapeake Family Magazine website. You can find her online at www.drdebbiewood.com
What do you think? Leave your thoughts in the comments or submit a question to Dr. Debbie at editor@chesapeakefamily.com.
