Dear Dr. Debbie,
I remember having lots of adults that I could go to when I was a child – to attend to a scraped elbow, for example – mostly because neighbors rarely moved and our school had only two classes per grade. Everyone knew everyone. There were no malevolent adults in my childhood; at least not that I was ever aware of.
My eight-year-old daughter lives in a different world. I am not well-acquainted with all the staff at school, nor the parents of her friends. News stories about adults who sexually assault children rattle me to the core. How do I teach my daughter to discriminate between grown-ups she can count on in a pinch, for example, if she is being bullied, and grown-ups she should keep at a safe distance?
Wary Mom
Dear W.M.,
Wouldn’t it be nice if children everywhere were surrounded by a stable community of caring, protective adults? Unfortunately, parents need to be proactive about getting to know the adults in their children’s lives, and pragmatic about teaching children whom to trust.
Statistics
According to the U.S. Department of Justice, there’s about a 1 in 720,000 chance of a child being abducted by a stranger. That’s about 100 children annually nationwide. Teaching a child to fear strangers is practically useless. Most missing children cases are quickly resolved as found safe at a friend’s house, or a family member involved a custody dispute has absconded with them. It’s not the strangers that we need to be wary of.
It is far more likely (about a 1 in 10 chance), according to Darkness to Light, for a child to be a victim of sexual abuse and assault. The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (R.A.I.N.N) reports that such violations of a child’s personal safety are perpetrated by a family member or someone known to the victim in 93% of reported cases.
“Grooming” is the process by which someone within the child’s circle of trust gradually gains access to opportunities to be alone with the child for the abuse to happen. An older child or teen may be vulnerable to grooming through online relationships, which is usually out of the awareness of parents. Your trust of the adults with whom your child has contact is key. Eventually she will be making her own decisions about whom she can trust.
Feelings Inform
Since you are not always by her side, it is important for your child to be able to name other “trusted adults” in her life and to recognize when someone makes her feel uncomfortable. What does she think about various adults at school? If she walks to and from school, which neighbors does she (and do you) know well enough to be able to stop in to use the bathroom if needed? This is the house she could go to if she felt threatened by a bully, too. If she is in Girl Scouts or another out-of-school activity which adult would she go to in your absence if she felt sad or unsafe?
Help your child learn to trust her safety instincts by talking about feeling awkward, nervous, scared, or angry in a variety of situations she is experiencing every day. It’s natural that she will be more comfortable with some adults than with others just as she should be developing friendships with children with whom she feels physically and psychologically safe.
Your feelings count, too. Take time to get to know the adults in her world and share some of your impressions with your child. (Not to be catty, but to generalize how you judge which seem more approachable if a child needs some help.) See if she agrees. Her social world will continue to expand as she grows older. She will use your example of feeling comfortable with certain people, and less comfortable with others, to make decisions in her social dealings. Most people are trustworthy but others raise red flags and warrant self-protection.
Safe to Tell
The most trusted adult in a child’s life should be one that the child has the most access to – such as a parent. Start the conversation about private parts as young as three-years-old. Some knowledge of sexual interactions should be understood by age eight, just to open the door for further conversations. Add your beliefs about who should be having sex with whom. Include what you’d like your child to understand about birth control and sexually transmitted diseases way before she needs to make these choices for herself. She may not fully understand everything you’re talking about (and it’s okay to start with hazy descriptions), but this lays the groundwork for her to come back to you for more clarity in the future.
The notion of consent is another topic that can be addressed early using topics other than private parts of the body. Ask your child if she wants your help to get her boots off. Ask your child if it’s okay for you to clean off her scraped elbow and to put the bandage on. As children develop romantic relationships (the age for this varies a lot!) introduce the topic of consent for hugging, holding hands, kissing, and touching other body parts. Her body belongs to her.
You want to be the person with whom your child has had already had multiple conversations about bodies, touching, relationships, consent, secrets versus surprises, and feelings. You want to be the person she goes to if she’s confused or hurt by someone’s behavior.
You make her world safer by being alert to what’s going on in it.
R.A.I.N.N. can connect you to resources if needed.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum www.theccm.org.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available https://www.theccm.org/event-details/purchase-tickets-in-advance or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
The Maryland STEM Festival happens at CCM this weekend! On November 2nd, preschoolers (ages 3-5) will enjoy interactive experiments to learn about basic science concepts: Fizzy Colors, Ice Melting, and Dissolving & Mixing.
On November 3rd, school-aged children (ages 6-10) will have more advanced engineering challenges to explore principles of structural, aerospace, environmental, and chemical engineering: Building Bridges, Paper Airplanes, Water Filtration Devices, and Homemade Slime.
Thanks to a grant from the Institute for Museum and Library Services, CCM is hosting low-cost workshops for childcare professionals on Saturday mornings, November 2 and December 7. These are MSDE-approved for Core of Knowledge content.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
