42 million women in America are members of the “sandwich generation,” bearing the double burden of caring for their children and their parents.
By Meagan Howell
When Patricia’s mother turned 70, she brought her to her birthday dinner in a wheelchair. After struggling with Parkinson’s disease for years, her mother had recently developed early dementia, and on this particular occasion needed the wheelchair. Patricia noticed her young niece sitting at the table, crying at the unfamiliar sight of her newly vulnerable grandmother. “She didn’t like to see her like that,” remembered Patricia. “I know. But our lives are about this seven days a week.”
Patricia is 44 years old and lives with her mother and her eleven year old daughter in Howard County. She’s a certified pharmacy technician, but right now she isn’t working – at least not for a paycheck. She helps her mother bathe, get to medical appointments, and take her medications properly. It’s a 24 hour a day job – but so is being a mom. “It’s one thing after another. You can’t help but get frustrated,” admits Patricia. She worries about her daughter, but she is also proud of her resilience and empathy. “For a child, it’s not easy to see a grandparent going through all this. But she copes well. I see a lot of me in her. My daughter is very caring.”
Patricia isn’t alone in her predicament. According to a 2007 survey, 42 million women in America are members of the “sandwich generation,” bearing the double burden of caring for their children and their parents. The numbers have increased in recent years, as more women delay having children until later in life and the baby boomer generation ages. Family caregivers provide health care, social and emotional support, transportation, and countless other services to ailing or aging family members. The most typical family caregiver is a working married woman in her late forties, and more than 37% of all family caregivers have children or grandchildren under eighteen years old living with them. So how do they do it?
They manage–some extraordinarily well–but not without stress and difficulty. Valerie Liss, Caregiver Educator for Howard County, emphasizes the importance of self-care in her work with family caregivers. “I tell them I know how they are stretched. But it is so extremely important to get some respite, even if it’s a couple of hours a week. Many caregivers I see feel it is their duty to provide all the care; often they’re reluctant to let someone else provide it.”
Those of us who are mothers might remember brushing aside (or wishing we could brush aside) in-laws, friends, and husbands who just didn’t know how to do it right with our new babies. They carried them wrong; they held the bottle too high. Yes, we were stressed out. No, they could not help. That dynamic, troubled as it may be, seems to repeat itself for many of us when we are caring for our newly frail parents and grandparents.
Nearly all of the family caregivers Liss works with are women, most typically adult daughters. She is determined in her efforts to reduce their isolation (she encourages them to attend a support group) and help them share the burden of caring for a family member. “I try to give them straight talk, explaining that caregivers have a higher rate of depression and stress-related illnesses like high blood pressure. If they can’t find time to take care of themselves now, eventually they won’t be able to provide the care they want to…(the problem is) that they don’t think anyone else can provide the same quality of care that they can.” Liss counsels caregivers and their families–children included–in order to help them support one another and bring in outside help when they can. Read more
