Dear Dr. Debbie,
My child was born with some disabilities therefore many milestones are delayed. She didn’t walk without help until almost 3 ½ and now at age 4, her gait is still awkward but she gets around on her own. Speech is coming along nicely, including saying “No!” to her parents when we ask her to stop playing to come with us somewhere. But this one surprised me. We were at a family dinner at my parents’ house, a pretty normal routine, but when Grandpa asked if she’d say the blessing (which she used to LOVE to do) she ducked and hid her face. We gave up after some gentle prodding and nominated a cousin to do it instead.
Is this sudden shyness is related to her delays?
Former Preschool Teacher
Dear F.P.T.,
The typical milestones are very helpful in keeping track of development to know where extra allowances and support may be needed. Clearly you have been tracking your daughter’s development with an eye to her own timetable while enjoying literal strides in her growth.
Keeping Pace
While your child’s mobility and speech are nonetheless progressing, psycho-social skills in the early years are closely related to a child’s dependence on her caregivers. Saying “No!” usually occurs by age two when a typically developing child has the ability to carry her own body where she wants it to go. In your household, with an atypical path of development, this is happening at age four. Therefore, it is to be expected that your daughter would resist her parents’ request to go with them (as many two-year-olds do!) because she’s now physically capable of doing so.
The mastery of independent walking is usually marked by a child’s inner conflict of “I need you” vs. “I don’t need you.” The ability to control her own body is a delight for her and a frequent frustration for the caregiver. “Catch me if you can” becomes the watchword for the object of your attempts to wipe a squirming face or get a jacket on wiggling arms. Anything related to her body brings out a rebellion because she is newly in control of it.
At the age of confident walking, whatever that age is for each child, she has the sense that she can argue against moving where someone else wants her to go and at other times she can willfully travel a distance away from her parent and be perfectly fine. Mobility is magical.
The National Library of Medicine has published “Developmental Stages of Social Emotional Development in Children” to help medical care providers recognize milestones and spot delays so as to give patients’ parents reasonable expectations and appropriate guidance. The authors report that competent walking co-occurs with an awareness that others hold opinions of her. “At around 15 months of age, empathy and self-conscious emotions emerge. A child reacts by looking upset when they see someone cry or feel pride when applauded for doing a task.” Your daughter is awakening to the awareness that leading a blessing puts her at risk of being judged by family members.
Empathy goes hand in hand with self-awareness and recognizing emotions in others. Coming around to the universality of emotions, or at least among the people she spends time with, is key to your daughter’s social development. Empathy is possible with awareness of one’s own feelings coupled with an ability to recognize that someone else has feelings, too. We all have inner worlds of thoughts and emotions!
Social skills can continue to develop, with attentive guidance from adults, and eventually other children, such that a child is moved to soothe someone who is upset as well as to manage their own behavior so as to not upset that person on purpose. That’s how you keep playmates.
Your daughter’s sudden “shyness” is an indication that her view of herself includes the realization that other people can hold thoughts about her. They may see her, she imagines, as good or not-so-good. Others’ opinions of her, especially the people she loves, threaten her opinion of herself. She has developed the ability to consider social appraisal and to be fearful of it.
“Don’t Look at Me!”
Respect her newfound attempts at mind-reading. Minimize situations that make her feel like she’s in the spotlight. Instead, work with her on identifying what makes people around her happy or unhappy, and guiding her to be good company. Point out when she has made someone smile – as it happens and also at the end of the day so the memory of it stays with her.
By the same token, use gentle guidance to redirect missteps that hurt others’ feelings. Work on social interactions between your daughter and a playmate so that she gains tools for success. If she’s not enrolled in a group program, this can be with family members or an informal neighborhood group. Anne Arundel County Public Schools has a variety of free services for children under the age of five and continuing support for special needs through high school. Adaptive programs are offered by the county’s recreation department for children with special needs, ages 5 and up.
Adults should coach a child who is new at thinking about other people’s thoughts (including their thoughts about her) to use specific words then assist the children in carrying them out. “Do you want a turn?” helps a playdate to work for both children along with “I’d like a turn, please.” Also prompt the children to use the mutually satisfying, “Let’s do it together!”
Children with varying special needs are often the recipients of care and attention from adults. But they also need the good feelings of being important to other children.
Take cues from your daughter as she navigates this phase of self-consciousness as to when she’s ready to lead the blessing again. Self-confidence often benefits from the support of others.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome.
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