Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our first child slept with us until about a year and a half which was very convenient for middle of the night nursing. Then we smoothly transitioned him to the crib in his room. This past summer, about 3 months before his third birthday, we had a second baby and switched big brother to a twin bed.
Is it just a coincidence that since then he needs me to sit with him until he’s asleep? Well, I did as he asked, mostly out of exhaustion. But for the past month he regularly wakes up and comes to our bed. Here’s the escalation. For at least a week now he cries and screams at bedtime that he’s scared of certain stuffed animals (that he’s had for years) then if I offer to remove them he says he just wants to sleep with me. So we’re back to Square One Status.
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Dear S.O.S.,
Sleep issues are common in the first five years for perfectly valid reasons. You’ve named three:
-New Bed
-New Brother
-New Fears
Changes
The physical world of a young child is very small. He knows the rooms of his house, and maybe those of a few extended family members and friends. He knows the outdoor and indoor places he frequently plays in – yards, parks, playgrounds, and his preschool or childcare center. But that’s about it. Make a significant change in his bedroom furnishings and it’s sure to knock him for a loop.
Displacement
Think of all the shifts an older sibling has to make when a new baby enters the picture. He experiences daily threats to erase his hold on your attention, his access to your ear, his spot on your lap, his name in your conversations with others. The very objects that have defined his world are one by one shifting ownership to the interloper, including a place in his parents’ bed.
Imagination
Here’s your coincidence. It just so happens that around three-years-old a child’s imagination develops to the point that he can imagine monsters, especially at bedtime. The “monsters” symbolize his expanding awareness that not everything can be quickly made better. Before he can relax and go to sleep, he needs reassurance that your love and protection can be counted on no matter what.
Sleep is Important for Parents, Too
Although this is a temporary situation, sleep deprivation can have a negative impact on parents’ ability to function. A good night’s sleep keeps your mind sharp for the day’s challenges, supports a positive mood, and helps your immune system fight off germs. Try to reduce your own expectations of what you can do for the outside world while you are focusing on meeting the needs of two little ones. Catch a nap when you can. You can catch up with the outside world in a few years.
What To Do
While it may seem that you’ll never return to a pleasant end of the day with your first born, be assured that this is a temporary phase of childhood and parenting. Decide with your husband how to proceed with bedsharing, lying down in your son’s room until he’s asleep (and maybe you are, too), or allowing your oldest to set up a pillow and blanket on the floor of your bedroom. The more consistent you both are with how to help him settle into position near your comforting presence, the more quickly he’ll learn that he can count on you to keep him safe from everything. Even the intrusion of a baby into his parents’ world.
You’ll be an expert at bedtime compromises when you go through a similar pattern in just a couple of years when your second child turns three.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
