Dear Dr. Debbie,

My son is an only child. He was three-years-old when his school shut down and he only had Zoom contact with his teachers and classmates. When they got back to in-person school his teachers told me he was slow to make friends but had a close bond with one teacher who was with him from year to year. By kindergarten, though, he was fine with play dates.

My question is, he just started first grade and still likes to put something in his pocket before he leaves the house. It could be a tiny car, a half of a crayon, or a nickel from his piggy bank. Is this something I should try to train him out of? Or could this (harmless?) behavior be something that helps him cope?

Pocketer’s Mother

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Dear PM,

What you are describing is the use of a “transitional object” and is not only harmless, it is helpful.

Attachment

At birth a child is physically separated from the temperature-controlled coziness of the amniotic fluid, the alternating rhythms of daily movement and nighttime sleep of his host, and the perpetual beat of her heart. For the next several years, his favorite place to be is in a warm embrace that brings him close enough to feel the familiar ba-boom ba-boom in her chest.

A healthy attachment with a primary caregiver (or two) is the foundation for a positive sense of self, good mental health, and the basis for developing other mutually satisfying relationships. Knowing that he is well-loved, a child can seek out and maintain good relationships with teachers, playmates, and eventually maybe a family of his own.

Place Holder

A transitional object, first identified by Donald Winnicott in 1951, holds the place of the life-giving and life-sustaining parent figure. It is quite common for toddlers and preschoolers to cling to a stuffed animal or remnant of a blanket as they go about their day, especially if they are going out and might be physically separated from the parent. The “self” is yet a hazy concept, defined largely by the caregiving relationships that nurture and guide the young child. A transitional object is a physical representation of the emotional bond between child and parent. If the object goes with him, reasons the young mind, the care and love of a parent go with him, too.

Coping Strategy

Your son’s life history includes a cataclysmic disruption to the normal social development that preschoolers usually experience. In the absence of a pandemic or other disaster, they learn to trust a teacher to manage their needs when a parent isn’t around. They learn how playmates work, and how to work them. They experience the satisfaction of gaining the skills needed to play successfully with other children.

Your son’s use of a transitional object – something to hold on to as a tangible reminder that his home base will be waiting for him when he gets back – makes perfect sense. The object represents the security of a loving family.  His preschool years occurred at an unfortunate time, however, he has navigated his way through these rocky years with a tiny boost to his emotional foundation by clutching a piece of home to carry with him each day.

Building Friendships

Continue to support your son’s friendships with classmates – past and present – through playdates. This is how he will further define who he is apart from his nurturing caregivers.

Steady playmates promote the healthy development of a self. Cooperative play with a friend requires the melding of two minds to create strategies for problem solving, e.g., to build a fort of couch cushions, and to work together to create and act out make believe scenes. Playtime with a friend allows a child to figure out what he is capable of and how to intertwine his self with another’s.

Building a Strong Self

You might prepare your son to answer a friend’s question about why he has to carry an object from home with him. The picture book Ira Sleeps Over by Bernard Waber addresses a young boy’s concern about bringing his teddy bear with him to his first sleepover at a friend’s house. (It turns out the friend has one, too.)

Most of us have learned how to use transitional objects in socially acceptable ways. Most adults treasure a photograph, a piece of jewelry, or a song that reminds us of a special relationship. These objects, these relationships, provide comfort and help to define who we are.

There’s no harm in using a transitional object to strengthen a child’s belief and confidence in himself.

Dr. Debbie

Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.  

After Labor Day, the museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.

While supplies last, families can purchase a Solar Powered Art base to which you add your own design. These can be contributed to an exhibit about solar energy and pollinators, or take your piece with you to enjoy its movement in the sunshine in your home.

Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.