Two-Year-Old Meltdown

Dear Dr. Debbie,

My two-year-old seems to have touch issues. She’ll often play with my hair, rub her hand on my shirt sleeve, and has definite preferences for the clothes she wears. Today she had an absolute meltdown for 30 minutes because I didn’t want her to wear a long sleeve shirt. (It was going to be 70-80 degrees outside.) I ended up letting her wear the shirt she wanted.

Side note. She’s my middle child. Baby brother is two months old. We have a nanny come to play with her and help out with the baby during business hours since I work from home. (Daddy works away from home.) The older one is in school.

Mom of Three

Dear M.o.T.

Let’s start with the new sibling. This is a first-class life event for your now middle child. She has been the baby of the family for two years, with an older sibling to be in awe of, to try to copy, and she’s told repeatedly, “You’re not big enough yet”.

Now she has to wait to be taken care of, gets so much less of mom’s attention, and she still can’t always do what the older sibling can do. The conflict with you over the shirt was more than she could bear. So she exploded.

Adjustment

On average, it takes a family about 8 months to adjust the day’s rhythms around the needs of a new member. Newborns sleep a lot, but when they’re not asleep they require 100% attention. A toddler, too, needs close supervision and thrives on knowing she’s the apple of her grownups’ eyes.

It takes a lot of effort to now divide your attention, plan ahead for everyone’s needs, and shift some priorities (the laundry can stay in the dryer until morning).

Hopefully you have been able to lighten your workload for a least a little while. Reducing expectations of yourself and everyone in the family will help reduce the household stress level.

“Normal” Meltdowns

A two-year-old has a lot of frustrations. Although her vocabulary is increasing daily, she can’t always express her thoughts, needs, and feelings as clearly as she’d like to. Likewise her physical skills – to scribble with a crayon, to dress and undress herself, to climb and to run – take a lot of effort as she works on them.

A young child thrives on routines. She is living in the moment, with a fuzzy idea of what comes next. The world is a safe place for her when the day’s rhythms are mostly predictable.

Slight changes in her world – a missing toy, a cranky parent, the “wrong” brand of yogurt – can upset the apple cart. A major shift in how her world functions – as when she loses her place as the baby of the family – and you can expect her feelings to explode in a tantrum even more often than usual.

The phase known as “terrible two’s” is best handled with steady attention to meeting a child’s needs, including anticipating what she will be needing shortly. Tantrums are preventable with attention to: ample nutrition (snacks between meals are a must), adequate sleep, plenty of exercise, lots of interesting things and experiences to learn from, and above all, spending joyful time with her beloved caregivers.

Stay Cool

Give yourself some grace. Yes, you spent half an hour trying to get your child to wear a shirt appropriate for the weather, but in the end, you saw the futility of your practical argument against the strength of her very powerful emotions.

If you can stay calm when you see a conflict between you, you are much better able to respond in a way that keeps your child from exploding. Sure, she probably got warm outside, but that’s fixable if you stay calm and plan ahead. She’ll be much more agreeable to your solutions for being overheated when she is actually feeling overheated.

Your plan could include:

Pack cold water for her to drink.

Bring the short-sleeved shirt (she’s more likely to prefer it when she’s hot).

Get into an airconditioned space or a shady space to cool off.

Three Choices

Sometimes it’s best to give in. There’s no harm is changing your mind occasionally if your child is emotionally exhausting herself and what she wants to have or to do will not cause irrevocable harm. So what if she gets sweaty? Apologize for not recognizing how important it is to her to wear this particular shirt. (Pay more attention to choosing clothing for her that “feels right” if indeed she has sensory issues.)

Sometimes it’s easy to provide a distraction before a tantrum escalates. Drop the discussion about what shirt to wear as you go about gathering up what else you need for the outing. Maybe your daughter can pick two books to read in the car, or a stuffed animal to take along. She could help you make choices about food and drink to bring. She might be in a better mood to go along with your slipping her short-sleeved shirt on when her mind has been diverted to other pleasant decisions for a few minutes.

There are also times when, no matter what, your child just needs to explode. She’s dealing with a lot of changes in her life right now. Mostly she’s not happy about these changes, nor is she in control of them. Take her tantrum as a message that, more than anything, she needs to know that you love her deeply, even when her emotions take over.

Respond to her tantrum’s meaning with loving words and actions. Affirm your utmost affection for her and your limitless resolve to take care of her as best you can.

That’s what mommies do.

Dr. Debbie

Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern. 

Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.  

Chesapeake Children’s Museum is coordinating events across Anne Arundel County using books of poetry about nature as inspiration. The county-wide NEA Big Read has events for all ages, many of them free of charge. Note that some events require advance registration.