Dear Dr. Debbie,
All of a sudden our 21-month-old has been throwing things. A board book she left on the floor. Her shoe from the back seat of the car to the front. Food from her plate. A toy cup at her sister.
Telling her, “No!” just makes her smile or look confused. Is she too young to understand rules? I don’t remember this with the first child, but then, I don’t remember much after almost five years of Mommy brain.
Please Don’t Throw
—
Dear PDT,
Language comprehension is still in an early phase of development, so, yes, your words will have less impact than other reactions.
Consistency
As you know, toddlers are good at exploring the world, but not good at judging what is a safe way to test physics and their own physical prowess. The adult on duty must do this for them with close supervision and consistent interference for anything dangerous.
Fortunately, the impulsive throwing phase is usually short. It will pass more quickly if you consistently anticipate, prevent, and move on from a throwing episode.
Alternatives
Encourage lots of throwing with appropriate objects. Recognize that the impulse to throw is as natural as pulling up on furniture to stand before taking first steps. Give your child plenty of opportunities to practice her arm strength and aim:
Throw: small stuffed animals, a ski cap, balled up socks, bean bags, a hacky sack
Toward: your lap, a box, a hula hoop on the floor, a laundry basket, a spot on the wall
This strategy is just like giving a two-year-old lots of opportunities to make a choice, so she can say, “No!” to one of the choices (instead of her saying, “No!” to every request that you make of her.)
Calm Redirection
If she ends up throwing inappropriately, quickly and calmly move on to something else. Time to go outside. Time to take a bath. Time to get a snack. It is important not to dwell on giving negative attention to a child, especially one so young. This can escalate into a power struggle.
Be as matter-of-fact as you can. Some of your child’s throwing may be startling – as when a tiny shoe comes past you from the back seat of the car, or upsetting – as when your other child is in harm’s way from a toy cup. Any of these repeat scenarios should be addressed preventively if possible – take both her shoes off in the car or fasten them more securely before she gets in; sit on the floor between your children when they are playing with potential projectiles. But if undesirable throwing happens anyway, consider it a momentary “oops”, take remedial action (tuck the shoe under the passenger seat beside you; take the airborne cup victim onto your lap for comfort) and redirect the thrower to an appropriate activity. Sing a song she can “dance” to with her shoeless feet; strike up a game of Patty Cake to keep your toddler’s hands occupied while her sister recovers on your lap. The quicker you recover and move on, the less likely the throwing will be repeated.
Preventative Attention
A key pattern in parent-child behaviors is that child behavior is often motivated by a desire for parental attention. In other words, if you give a lot of attention to inappropriate throwing, your child is more likely to throw something when she’s feeling neglected.
How much attention does a young child need? Lots. The best way to prevent unwanted behavior is to engage in play with her, or read a picture book together, or push her on a swing, or include her in your housework, or teach her the hand motions for Eensy Weensy Spider or another finger play. Here’s a nice reference for finger plays from the King County Library System in Washington State.
Meal and snack times might tempt you to take care of something else while your daughter is busy with feeding herself. If you instead sit with her, talk about the food she’s eating, and take in a mouthfuls yourself, she might not be inclined to draw you back to the table by throwing her food. Give her small portions at a time so you’ll know when her tummy is full. If you ask her if she wants more before each serving, she won’t need to discard the surplus from her plate by the handful.
So we’re back to close attention. This plus appropriate outlets for the newly discovered ability to move an object across space will help your family move through this normal phase of development.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
