Dear Dr. Debbie,
My husband lacks any enthusiasm for his parenting role. When he helps out at all with dressing, feeding, bathing, or settling a quarrel between siblings, he shows little empathy and acts like he’s doing me a favor. Is there a way to improve this situation? I’m a SAHM so I believe that parenting is mainly my job, not his, but I’m concerned about the lasting impact of their father’s indifference on our children.
Married Single Parent
Dear MSP,
The gist of Melissa S. Kearney’s book The Two-Parent Privilege, How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind (September 2023) is that children do best with two parents. In an interview for the Brookings Institute, the author explains that a two-parent household in which “both parents are actively involved, offers unique advantages to children . . . Having two parents in the household offers benefits such as increased parental time for activities like reading and homework assistance, as well as reduced stress and greater emotional bandwidth for parenting.” A child who has a cooperative pair of empathic, enthusiastic primary caregivers stands a better chance in life overall.
The trend for dads today is to be more involved in parenting than their fathers were, although mothers are still the major contributors in the direct care of the children. The Institute for Family Studies (October 24, 2023) conducted Time Diaries with mothers and fathers and observed that “fathers spend an average of 7.8 hours per week taking care of their children at home, up by 1 hour per week in just about two decades.” That’s a little more than an hour a day. (Mothers’ time spent directly caring for children has not changed.) Your husband’s begrudging contributions are probably greater than his father’s were. Perhaps he’s unaware of the changing trend and its potential impact.
Positive Impact of Positive Fathering
Even a modest amount of positive attention and care from a dad can make a difference for a child. The Fatherhood Project is a non-profit organization based in Boston, Massachusetts. In recognition of the importance of fathers being involved parents, their mission is: “to improve the health and well-being of children and families by empowering fathers to be knowledgeable, active, and emotionally engaged with their children.” Based on its research, the organization has correlated father involvement with many positive outcomes for children:
- Enhanced health
- Social-emotional well-being and positive behavior
- Greater confidence and emotional control
- Greater academic success
- Less delinquency
- Stable employment or college after high school
- Less depression in early adulthood
Building Enthusiasm (and Competence)
Something I’ve often heard in discussion with mothers of young children is that fathers may feel ill-prepared for the parenting role, particularly early on. It’s true that first-time mothers are often bewildered and frustrated, especially in the first year or so, but they tend to seek out other women with whom they can share their challenges, and from whom they can gain encouragement. They benefit from someone else’s even slightly more seasoned experience. Just watching another mother act with confidence bolsters a mother’s confidence in herself.
Is there a task or two that dad does well with or for the children? Acknowledge his success with making quick PB & J’s or keeping the children’s outside gear well-organized. If he has built or fixed something around the house mention this to the children when Daddy can see and hear their expressions of appreciation.
Drop a few hints to help him to be more successful with certain tasks that he may be feeling unsuccessful with. For example, it’s better to give a child a small portion of food or drink (less to spill and less chance of arguing about cleaning the plate). The child who is asking and the adult who is serving both gain satisfaction from the second serving. Another tip is to conclude rowdy play – which dads usually enjoy – at least an hour before the children’s bedtime. You might suggest they go out to catch and release fireflies, or set up a laundry basket for a game of tossing balled socks into it, while you clean up after dinner.
Are there other fathers around that your husband can observe as actively involved role models? Someone he knows from work or a relative? Invite another family over for some play time and a meal. Or plan family outings where other fathers are likely to be in attendance, such as an outdoor concert at a park.
Help Dad to see that he is important to his children. Competence at a job and enthusiasm for that job go hand in hand.
Building Empathy and Kindness
One reason that a parent, or any adult, has trouble connecting with a child is that they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be so young. Use your children’s moments of joy, sadness, frustration, or pride to name the emotion and the cause. This benefits the child’s understanding of his emotions as well as brings Dad’s attention to the fact that the child is having them.
When the children aren’t around, ask your husband to share memories of his childhood to help him relate to his children’s present experiences. Did he catch lightning bugs? Who made his sandwiches for him until he could make his own? Hopefully there are some positive memories, including how his grown-ups helped him when he needed it.
It’s quite possible that he had negative childhood experiences. Childhood trauma – domestic violence, bullying, a death in the family – can cause a person to cut himself off from his own feelings. A professional counselor could help to uncover and address long ago hurts so as to free him from the past so he can be emotionally available, and empathic, to his children in the present.
Empathy is an ability that can be learned through modeling. You can set the tone for valuing kind acts between family members and between members of the family and others. Model kindness even when you’re stressed or exhausted. This is easier if you practice self-care – exercise, time with friends, indulging in a book or movie, sticking to a budget and to healthy food choices – to support your ability to treat others with kindness.
Your children aren’t irrevocably scarred if their father doesn’t enjoy spending time with them. They have you and hopefully lots of other positive people in their lives. However, they and their Dad, and you, would experience more contentment with family life if he could get some coaching, see some modeling, and maybe get some professional guidance, for being more emotionally engaged with the children.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist www.drdebbiewood.com and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Summer hours are 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. beginning June 14. Online reservations are available at theccm.org or by calling 410-990-1993. Each Thursday, there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 a.m. Art and Story Times with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet are on Monday mornings at 10:30 a.m.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
