Dear Dr. Debbie,
My eleven-year-old was out riding her bike and came back with a friend she knew from school. We had her call her mom to ask if she could stay for dinner. All went well until my daughter asked if the girl could spend the night.
Was I right to say, “No,” since we hadn’t yet met her parents? I know I wouldn’t want my daughter staying over someone’s house under such circumstances.
She says I embarrassed her and I’m the meanest mom in the world.
First Things First
Dear F.T.F.,
This is certainly one of those times when doing the right thing is hard. Yes, you should definitely work your way up to a sleepover.
Back when my children were very young, I knew all the families of all their friends. Their playmate pool basically consisted of the children in their preschool (where I was a teacher), and the well-worn members of our neighborhood baby-sitting co-op. My children had steady friends that went on day trips with us, stayed over for dinner, and occasionally spent the night. Many of these friendships endured through elementary school, with a few additions and deletions each year. There were endless opportunities to watch and chat informally with these families as they shopped at the local grocery store, attended school functions, participated in scouts, sports, and other community activities.
Start with Introductions
It’s getting harder for families to get to know others in the neighborhood nowadays for many reasons. (Let’s not forget the pandemic years that severely restricted our social interactions!) According to the U.S. Census, six years is the average amount of time one stays in one home, so new neighbors are frequently moving in and old neighbors are moving out. Furthermore, parents are likely to be working away from home, with children attending day camp or after care until dinner time on week days. When we are home, we spend a lot of time indoors.
Let’s assume the girls decided on a way to communicate through their own cell phones or by exchanging their parents’ phone numbers. If not, they’re just hoping on a chance meet up which could work, too. Offer to go with your daughter on her next bike ride or catch the next opportunity she brings the friend home to invite yourself along for the bike ride home. It may feel embarrassing to your daughter, but parents meeting each other is fairly standard in order to support this friendship going forward. It also shows the other parent that you respect her need to know you.
The first meeting between parents provides an unspoken exchange of appraisals between families. In that brief opportunity when a child is picked up or dropped off you have to both form an impression and to give a positive image of yourself. It is a quick-scan assessment of the other parent’s acceptability, and likewise, a sound bite assurance of yours. It feels like a compressed job interview.
Find Connections
Beyond names, addresses, and phone numbers, use your introduction to share enough about yourself that the friend’s parent can find something in common. How long has each of you lived in the neighborhood? Where did you each live before this? Are there other children in either family? Pets?
Drop into the conversation the other places you frequent (grocery store, farmers’ market, workplace, pediatric office, house of worship, etc.) to uncover things, places and people you might have in common. For sure, your daughters attended the same school last year. You could mention a teacher / field trip / science activity / performance your child particularly enjoyed.
The point of this first conversation is to remove any mystery about you that might impede the other parent’s trust in you so they’re more inclined to support this friendship. Likewise, you need to uncover enough information about this family that you are confident in moving forward.
Differences are okay, too. They can be interesting! A tip for getting people to talk about themselves is to express interest in what they’re saying.
Red Flags
Before letting your child spend much time at a friend’s house, let alone spend the night, you should know who the other occupants are. A highlight of your introductory conversation might be any home improvements one of you is working on or has had a hand in. This is a good segue for a quick tour of the interior.
If a tour is offered, take it! Top on my list to be on the lookout for would be weapons and alcohol, and whether any media being played is inappropriate for children; but make your own list of deal breakers.
Several minutes may give you a sense of this family’s parenting style and values or you may need a little more familiarity to know if you’re comfortable with your daughter spending more than a dinner hour there. Likewise, work up the length and depth of your interactions to assure the other parents that your home and your supervision are worthy of their trust in you with their daughter.
Parents Are an Embarrassment
Being the mom with the van, I was asked to provide transportation for a group movie date at the mall for my then thirteen-year-old. Three of the kids, including my child, were well-known to me, and three were new friends. We pulled up to the given address to find the three fresh faces congregated on the sidewalk. My child popped out to greet them. Are they just going to get in the van? I wondered. Where is at least one adult to sanction my trustworthiness in driving away with these children?
A bashful adolescent approached the driver’s side of the van. I lowered the window. “My mom wants to meet you,” she whined in embarrassment. Well, I hoped so! I turned smugly to my child, “I have to go in to meet her mom.” We conducted our mutual ritual — on the surface, discussing movie times and the arrangements for the ride home (already known to us both) — and absorbed a quota of information about one another to satisfy our parental needs. As I walked back to the van with the giggling gang I wondered what qualities might cause a parent to reject another. In the span of a minute, what might be divulged that would force a parent to cancel the kids’ plans? For the sake of the evening, I was glad I had passed.
Continue to do the hard work of getting to know your daughter’s friends and their families. It adds a nice measure of comfort as her social circles expand.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Summer Family Memberships to the museum provide unlimited admissions for your family through Labor Day.
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