Dear Dr. Debbie,
Our three-year-old hasn’t had much social interaction in her short life (she was born in 2020!) so recently I’ve been taking her to the library story times to be around other children. She clung tightly to me the first several times and now only acknowledges the library associate to say “Bye” as we’re leaving. She never gets off my lap nor utters a word otherwise.
How can I help her to be comfortable with the other children?
Wallflower’s Mom
—
Dear WM,
Beyond the coincidence of being born during prescribed Social Distancing, your daughter could be a person who prefers to watch others take all the risks, only daring to try something new after it’s no longer new. It may be that once she gets used to how story time works, and how other children operate, she will be joining in with gusto.
This is a matter of being a Watcher and not a Risk Taker.
Watchers
A child who appears to be shy might just be cautious. She needs to know more about the situation before she’s ready to join in. A “Watcher” learns how story time works by watching the faces, listening to the comments, and observing the actions of the other children. It may take a year of weekly story times before she’s comfortable enough with her accumulated knowledge of what to expect to be able to participate as fully as another child does.
Generally a Watcher is taking in all the particulars while leaving herself out of the picture. She watches the children and adults exchange greetings and follow directions to take a seat. She listens as everyone sings “Eensy Weensy Spider” and watches the hand movements. She absorbs the directions for the art project and observes how different children use the materials and tools as they go about making their spiders. She also tunes in to the parents’ comments as they help and encourage the artists and compliment them on the final products. But, no, she will not participate. Not yet.
Risk Takers
In contrast, a child who touches the art materials on her way into the room and exclaims to the first child she sees, “I have blue shoes, too!” is jumping in to the proverbial pool with both feet before she even knows the temperature of the water. She’s always ready for new experiences.
A Risk Taker has little to no concern about consequences. She walks into story time expecting to enjoy a good story, to gain some skills, to have some fun and maybe to make a new friend. Whatever happens she’ll make the best of it, or if disaster ensues, she’ll have a dramatic story to tell afterwards. A risk taker enters with confidence, prepared to face whatever comes with an open-minded attitude.
Appropriate Expectations
Adjust your expectations of your child so that you can enjoy the Watcher that she seems to be. She needs time to warm up to new people and places and especially to demands for participation. A child who is cautious needs predictability and routine. Participation will come after much study, through repetition and slow steps forward.
To use the pool analogy, before signing her up for swimming lessons you should sit on the side with her watching other students her age for a season or two before you expect her to actually get in the water and follow a swim teacher’s directions. Even then, she might resist complying with the skills practices in class, but would prefer to carry them out on her own with only you watching on. Less social risk of getting it wrong in front of people. Less physical risk since she can control the effort she puts into mastering the skills and the pace at which she advances.
You didn’t say, but I expect that she is learning the songs and finger plays, and can retell the stories, from library story times when she’s back at home. If you have art materials and tools she might enjoy completing the project at home, too. (Maybe you can ask to take materials home with you from the library the next couple of times.) The added pressure of performing songs, craft-making, or swimming skills before a crowd is more than a cautious child can be expected to manage.
Just Different
Accept your daughter’s need to observe, assess, deliberate, and be reassured when faced with new challenges. Careful consideration is a fine approach to many aspects of life.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily with summer hours 10 am to 5 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
While supplies last, families can purchase a Solar Powered Art base to which you add your own design. These can be contributed to an exhibit about solar energy and pollinators, or take your piece with you to enjoy its movement in the sunshine in your home.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
