Dear Dr. Debbie,
I’m sometimes on my own with our two girls, ages five and two. The five-year-old gets whiny and argumentative, especially when I’m trying to move us along to leave a playground or to get them to clean up for lunch or dinner. She’s often louder than necessary. This sets off the little one. I find myself saying (loudly), “That’s enough!” just like my parents did. This only brings on more protesting and tears. I have to threaten to carry her to the car or to throw away the toys that are on the floor.
My wife says this doesn’t happen when I’m not around.
Enough Already
—
Dear EA,
I’m guessing you are also “set off” by the loud protests. This is a valid reaction when a child resists what you believe is a rational request and she proceeds to scream at you. However, screaming back and forth only makes things worse for everyone.
Volume Control
Let’s assume your daughter’s hearing is normal. (A hearing impairment could affect responding right away to parental requests and could also be the cause of her yelling.) Do your very best to refrain from increasing your volume to match, or to overpower, hers.
Long before you demand anything, engage in copious conversation with your daughter in a normal tone of voice. Sit with her – on the floor if that’s where she’s sitting, so your height is less intimidating. Talk with her about what she’s doing. Engage in make-believe if that’s what she’s doing. Or ask open-ended questions to probe her imagination and learn her perspective on things. For example, if she’s constructing a castle with blocks, ask how the rooms in the castle will be used and by whom. You are modeling how to have pleasant conversation at a pleasant volume. You are letting her know that her ideas and feelings are important to you.
Active Listening
The best way to get a child’s attention is to make sure she has yours. If she is in disagreement with you, acknowledge her feelings and point of view. Use the effective communication technique called “Active Listening”.
Simply restate what she has said. “You don’t want to leave the playground.” Then sympathize with her, “You’re really enjoying yourself right now. This has been a fun time.” Add specifics about why she’s resisting your request. Maybe it’s been a few days since she’s come to the playground. Or maybe she’s close to completing her castle and would like you to take a picture of it before the blocks get put away.
If you’re not sure why she’s opposing you, ask her. Here’s where you can offer a quick compromise – five more pushes on the swing, or one final touch to the castle. It could just be that she’s tired or hungry, in which case a nap or a nibble will put her in a more cooperative mood.
Teamwork
Perhaps your parenting partner can share tips for guiding the children without resorting to yelling and threatening. Does Mom set a timer before clean up time? Does she have each child choose “one last thing” to do before leaving the playground? Does she get them thinking about what’s coming next by offering decisions for them to make (e.g.: what song to sing when they get in the car, what vegetable they’d prefer with lunch)?
Agree on transition routines such that with either parent, the children know what to expect when it’s time to leave the playground and what to expect when it’s time to clean up before a meal. You can also arrange to spend more time actually parenting together so that what one parent says the other echoes and supports. Compliance is more likely when the second parent restates the announcement and joins in the actions required of the transition. If this happens often, the solitary parent voice is stronger. You are a unified unit of authority no matter who’s on duty.
I’m On Your Side
Generations of research on parenting styles, most notably fueled by Diana Baumrind’s work in the early 1960’s, link “Authoritative” parenting with more harmonious parent-child interactions. This parenting style creates “an emotionally caring environment that fosters trust.” Parents provide consistent structure while supporting the children’s independence.
“Authoritarian” parents, on the other hand, are demanding and not very affectionate. They mete out punishments (such as throwing away a child’s toys) which “leads to more misbehavior, rebellion, and constant power struggles.” Anger issues and low self-esteem from this parent-child relationship may follow a child into adulthood, possibly perpetuating this style of parenting into the next generation.
Recent research affirms that sensitive parenting yields better outcomes in the long run. Ideal parenting is described as “heightened parental sensitivity and responsiveness to child distress, an affectionate and engaged style, and the use of firm rather than harsh discipline.” Researchers in the United Kingdom followed up on 176 children whose parents were observed and assessed for parenting styles when the children were 4-6 years-old. Researchers were looking for “parental awareness of the child’s needs, sensitivity to their signals, promotion of child play, and adoption of the child’s point of view.” The observations included parents directing their children to tidy up.
Findings at age 12 showed increased health and mental health costs associated with less sensitive parenting, regardless of family income levels. “Less sensitive early parenting is ‘costly’ not only in terms of child health and well-being, but also in terms of actual financial burden” for mental health services and special schooling.
Take your daughter’s point of view into consideration as you parent her through inevitable conflicts. She needs to know that you’re truly on her side.
Dr. Debbie
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum.
The museum is open daily from 10 am to 4 pm. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Times are on Monday mornings at 10:30 am.
Read more of Dr. Wood’s Good Parenting columns by clicking here.
