Dear Dr. Debbie,
If I’m out with my four-year-old daughter somewhere and she sees an adult being harsh with a child, should I say something? To her? To the adult? Even though her mom and I don’t live together we are always civil around each other and are very calm and playful with our daughter.
The other day my daughter and I were within earshot of an adult belittling her child and threatening to take him home. (Which didn’t happen.) As far as I could tell, he wasn’t doing anything wrong.
My daughter looked confused and was obviously apprehensive seeing an adult act that way.
Peaceful Kingdom
Dear Peaceful King,
Your daughter’s reaction to harsh treatment is understandable. Baroness Bomburst, a villainous character in the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang movie, was my first awareness that not all adults have children’s best interests in mind. I was mortified and tried to remind myself that it was just a movie.
When a child witnesses harsh treatment of anyone, even in a movie, it rightfully stirs emotions of concern, fear, and or anger. Children easily identify with other children as part of normal development. This explains why a very young child will grab a toy from another child in an attempt to enjoy the same satisfaction with the toy as the child from whom it was grabbed. A parent and child hugging each other likewise stirs feelings of “Ahh, I know how good that feels”. These are early signs of empathy. Your daughter is displaying empathy as she imagines someone else’s feelings and has the desire to do something to help the situation, or at least hopes that someone more powerful than she is – maybe you – will do something.
Debriefing
If nothing else, after the situation has passed you should talk about it with your daughter. Ask her to guess what the child might have been thinking – maybe, “I don’t like what she’s saying to me”? Ask her to label the adult’s feelings and why she might have been feeling that way. Help your daughter to identify how the scene made her feel. And share your feelings that you didn’t like how the woman spoke to the child and were worried that your daughter didn’t like it either.
Your daughter needs reassurance that there are plenty of grown-ups doing their best to take care of children. Help her come up with examples of the kindnesses she has received from family members and other adults and the kindnesses she has seen bestowed on other children. This is the norm. You can express that what she saw between the woman and her child was “weird” or something that needs attention, maybe by the woman’s friends or family members. And that you sincerely hope that things get better for them. (Depending on her interest in the subject of dysfunctional families, you could go further to point out resources that help parents, such as a Family Support Center, a Food Pantry, and Parenting Classes.)
Meddling versus Modeling
There’s always a risk when engaging with a stranger, especially one who already seems to be on edge. If you start with a neutrally phrased comment – “Isn’t it nice that it’s less humid today” – it could be taken as an attempt to butt into her life to interfere with her management of her child’s behavior. The attempt to diffuse her annoyance with her child could be misinterpreted as criticism of how she’s handling things. This could raise her level of stress and might escalate her verbal abuse.
On the other hand, your calm demeanor – with her, with your child, and maybe even with her child – could change the emotional atmosphere of the moment and thereby reduce her stress level. If things go well, your kind intervention would cut short any further harsh treatment of the child. Hopefully some of the peace that you strive to carry with you, and share with your daughter, will rub off as a model of how to interact with a child.
There’s no clear convention for engaging with strangers. Generally, an adult with a similarly aged child is easily approached as an ally in a public place, such as a grocery store or playground. If her child drops a toy as they’re walking, you’d be an appreciated hero for scooping it up and returning it. But if she fusses at the child for dropping the toy, that’s a sure sign that she’s not in the mood to make a new friend.
I’ve observed stranger parents go up to another family to ask for a spare diaper or wipes when there are enough clues (age of child, presence of diaper bag) that they’re likely to be carrying such supplies. And the supplies are graciously given with no expectation of anything in return. “You’d do the same for me” is the unspoken message.
We should all do what we can to uplift each other. One by one, links of kindness may eventually reach everyone who needs more peace in their lives!
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis.
Summer hours for CCM are from 10 am to 5 pm daily. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Each Thursday there is a guided nature walk at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Monday mornings at 10:30 am. This Sunday, August 17, 2-3:30 pm come to Savoring Science: Aviation Day for an adventure in aviation history featuring a taste of freeze dried foods. Free with museum admission.
Parents and other caregivers of young children have an opportunity to gain insights and tools from Dr. Wood in a two-hour workshop “Cool as a Cucumber – Managing Stress with Children”on Wednesday, August 20, 5:30-7:30 pm at Chesapeake Children’s Museum. Childcare can be provided if arranged in advance. Call 410-990-1993 or email: info@theccm.org for more information.
