Dear Dr. Debbie,

I heard myself using harsh words to my eight-year-old today. Granted, he had lost his cell phone and I was, shall we say, livid. We were at a large public event, stopping every so often to shop, eat, and look at displays. He could’ve left it or dropped it anywhere.

I told him he was irresponsible, wasteful, inattentive, and obviously not to be entrusted ever again with an expensive piece of technology.

He hung his head down with tears running down his face while I tried to compose myself and join a conversation between my wife and her brother.

I’m angry that I agreed to let the boy bring the phone in the first place. I think we both learned a lesson.

Watching My Words

Dear W.M.W.,

There are indeed lessons to be learned here. For one, words hurt, as you observed.

Another lesson is that you, as the grown-up, are responsible for watching the family budget. This means that you control how much is spent between the family’s needs and its members’ “wants”.  A cell phone is a “want” for an eight-year-old. Perhaps protecting the expenditure on the phone on this outing needed a little more adult oversight.

Making mistakes is a natural, though sometimes costly, way to learn lessons.

Fixing the Damage

Unintentionally, your child may have learned that Dad’s temper is to be feared, rather than that he needs to keep better tabs on his phone if he ever expects to have the privilege of having one again. Generally, children do not act in ways to provoke a parent’s anger on purpose. Parental anger is experienced by a child as an assault on his self-worth. “What a horrible child I am.” Parental anger is experienced as the opposite of seeing a parent as a protector. “Dad’s words are hurting me.”

Parental disapproval can have a powerful and long-lasting effect on a child’s life. Researchers have explained that brain development is negatively affected by an ongoing pattern of harsh parenting. This leads to difficulty with emotions and impulse control, anxiety, depression, and challenges with future relationships.

Therefore it is important try to repair the damage from this mess.

The cost to your parent-child relationship may be recouped with a sincere apology from you. Apologies should be specific and heartfelt. You were upset by the loss of the phone because it cost a pretty penny. You were disappointed that despite reminding him to keep track of it, the phone was lost. You didn’t intend to make your child feel bad but your emotions took over. You regret that. You hope to help him be more careful in the future.

Practical Problem-Solving

The tangible cost of the phone has already been spent, allocated by the grownups with consideration for taking care of the family’s needs first. Your son doesn’t owe you the money. He’s suffering a natural consequence of no longer having a phone. From a family budget perspective, he can be made aware of how the cost of replacing the phone has to come from other “wants” into the future. (At such time you and he can work out a better way of protecting that expense.)

Financial literacy lessons can happen by including your son in some of the decisions about the family budget so he learns the difference between needs and wants. He can help to make sensible decisions going forward about how much the family can spent on “wants”. In this way, the family can save up for a replacement phone.

It may be worth the effort to contact the event organizers on the chance that someone may have turned in a cell phone. Leave your contact information in case this takes a day or two. (Coincidentally, I recently ended up with a child’s cell phone in my container of craft supplies after a community event! I heard an unfamiliar ringing in my car after I had packed up and was able to track down the child before the day was over.)

So that you can keep a cooler head the next time your child’s behavior comes up short of your expectations, you may be ready to learn lessons in Emotional Intelligence. This involves recognizing that you’re having an emotion and thoughtfully choosing your response with a mind to its consequences.

Lesson Review

Being a good parent takes effort.

Family budgets are the responsibility of the grownups.

Clear thinking and optimal actions are supported by keeping a cool head.

Mistakes are opportunities to reflect and make better choices.

Dr. Debbie

Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern. 

Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Fall Family Memberships to the museum provide unlimited admissions for your family through December 31, 2026.

There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am.  

Celebrate the World Wide Day of Play at the Kunta Kinte Festival, Saturday, September 26, 12-7 pm outside the Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium (Cedar Park Rd side.).  Children’s activities follow a theme of Agriculture with hands on fun.

Dr. Debbie is offering a series of workshops for parents and other caregivers in October.