Dear Dr. Debbie,
When my children, ages 7 and 10, have a friend or two over, there are often accusations of cheating. They play boxed games, card games, and even though they are old enough to read, there are arguments about the rules. I thought playing games was supposed to be fun!
Reluctant Referee
Dear R.R.,
Yes, games can be fun. There’s a process to learning to play by the rules which includes coming to respect the other players and learning to be okay with not winning.
Reasons for Rules
Up to around age 6, children will usually need an adult close by to help them play by the rules of a game. They are still naturally self-centered and therefore challenged to accept the idea that a fairly played game is good for everyone.
By age 7, a child can more easily take the perspective of other playmates and it now makes sense to him to apply rules to all the players including himself. After all, if the game goes well – engaging the players in a prescribed set of actions to move toward a satisfying finish – a good time is had by all.
Your children are the perfect age for spending time developing the skills and attitudes that make playing a game with friends (or even siblings) fun. Playing by the rules of the game has a much grander purpose, however, than momentary fun. Rules help us to do the right thing. Families operate by rules. There are rules at school that promote harmony and a positive learning environment. Rules of the road for pedestrians, bike riders, and truck drivers help to keep everyone safe. Laws, in general, are set up to help us live with others in the wider world for the common good.
Games in childhood, with rules that are adhered to, are good practice for adulthood.
Reasons for Cheating
Some, if not most, children will cheat because they see an opportunity to do so. This is how they learn that, yes, sometimes you can get away with it. Other times, they likewise learn that there are regrettable consequences when you cheat. This could include being called out in front of a friend, or losing the trust of a friend, or experiencing a feeling of guilt.
A pattern of perpetual cheating could be due to a child feeling that he is expected to be excellent at everything, all the time. Maybe his grown-ups focus excessive attention on achievement over just expressing pleasure in his existence. A child may cheat in order to meet imagined or real high expectations. Dial back on praise for high scores and ramp up compliments about being a good host, being patient with waiting for a turn, and other behaviors of his that have nothing to do with winning the game.
Another explanation for cheating is that a child has a hard time coping with the disappointment of losing. He can’t just shake it off and start the next game. This is a skill related to emotional regulation. This child probably has trouble with disappointments in general. One way to boost a child’s ability to handle disappointment is to boost his confidence by working on his competence in a variety of tasks. Fix a broken toy together, for example, or build his self-esteem through hobbies and simple housework. There’s bound to be a failure now and then when you are undertaking lots of tasks. With your help he can learn to take a slip up in stride.
Also consider whether a child finds that the skills needed to succeed at a particular game are too hard for him. Most boxed games will have an age recommendation, however, due to personality differences and learning differences, not all children can be expected to fit these age recommendations. Try a different game.
Natural consequences
Parents and other special adults can help children learn the consequences of cheating through compassionate and consistent messaging.
Find a quiet moment to chat with a child or the group about what you observed and what the outcome was. For example, did someone’s cheating cause other players to get upset and not want to play anymore? Did cheating by one child make others question his trustworthiness? (A child could lose the chance to be the banker in Monopoly if he’s suspected of shortchanging players or favoring others.) Did the ability to cheat (face it, sometimes it’s too easy) rob a child of the motivation to improve the skills required of the game? Did cheating cause a feeling of guilt? Or a feeling of incompetence?
It is important to address cheating with children since the benefits of being honest in our dealings with others (and with ourselves) are not yet obvious. With your steady guidance, the right thing to do will become clear.
Dr. Debbie
Write your question to Dr. Debbie! Please include age(s) of your child(ren) and other details about the situation or concern.
Deborah Wood, Ph.D. is a child development specialist and founding director of Chesapeake Children’s Museum, located at 25 Silopanna Road in Annapolis. Online reservations are available or call: 410-990-1993. Walk-ins are welcome. Art and Story Time with Mrs. Spears and Puppy the Puppet is on Mondays at 10:30 am. There is a Nature Walk on Thursdays at 10:30 am.
Visitors of all ages can take the African American History Challenge on Saturday, February 7. Come dressed as a famous African American, or borrow one of our costume kits, and enjoy free admission.
Dr. Wood is presenting a series of Zoom workshops on Wednesday evenings for parents and other caregivers of young children: Temperament Differences on February 11, Effective Discipline for Preschoolers on February 25, “I Had it First!” Conflict Resolution on March 11. All programs are from 7-9 pm. See the full series on the calendar on the Chesapeake Children’s Museum website.
